Contestant 1 – The Dying Joke/John Doe – The Clown Who Fights Against the Joke of Life
Life is a funny thing. It messes with you. It kills you every second of every day. Life is one long cruel joke, and I might be the only one who laughs, but I don’t laugh because it’s funny, I laugh because I’m going to end the joke. I’m going to kill everyone that lives to free them from this terrible joke. If you think about it, I’m doing everyone a mercy. The good people will get to Heaven faster and the evil will get their punishment in Hell before they can do more evil. I’m not evil. Life is.
William is a devilish genie of sorts. He holds a contest every year, which started in nineteen-ninety-five. It’s a car combat competition where fifteen people bring whatever vehicle they want, outfit it with guns, and kill each other. We are brought to a battle worthy area called a Killing Zone sanctioned by the governments of the world. The final survivor then fights a clone of the previous winner that William has created or sometimes the original winner. The winner gets to wish for whatever they want. Many people have wished for many things, but most get screwed over if they leave room for interpretation in their wish. There is other interpretation of my wish nor is there any evil in it.
My car of choice is an old ice cream truck, a relic from a past long forgotten. I attached a minigun on it and it holds several missiles with another special function to it I won’t spoil. In the event of an emergency, I put some extra guns in the back of the truck. With this bad boy, my victory is assured along with the death of my opponents.
I’ve killed plenty of people, so this should be easy for me. It doesn’t matter that they’re all driving metal death machines. They’re just little presents for me that I need to get to the blood-filled center of. The contestants are supposed to drive to this blimp to get our vehicles together. We’re not allowed to kill each other on site until the game begins or else everyone can kill the aggressor and the survivors will get their wishes. This rule is the only thing restraining me as I pass by all my soon to be victims. They don’t look like anything special. Some are normal people. There are a few cops and government agents here who seem to recognize me. I give them all a friendly wave as I drive my truck into my temporary cage. All of our vehicles are lifted into the blimp before we take off.
Four big monitors descend from inside the blimp and William shows up on them with his grinning face. His face looks like it was burned by the fires of Hell. Maybe he’s one of my victims that I accidentally didn’t kill. Despite his looks, he dresses in a nice black suit with a red bow tie. He obviously has a high opinion of himself.
He says, “Welcome to High Octane. You should all already know the rules coming in, so I’ll be brief. Survive and you will obtain your heart’s desires. Good luck.”
Our vehicles are dropped from the blimp by a trap door underneath us to a town that looks like a war zone or Detroit. I hope there a still people in it. We’re dropped separate distances from each other. I see that a few unlucky idiots were destroyed by the drop, but I happen to find a poor soul to murder near me to satisfy my immediate bloodlust. My car rams them through several homes while peppering them with machine gun fire. Their car is catching fire now, so my fun with them is done, and I pull away from the car spins out of control and blows up near another car.
This one is still alive after the blast, which allows me to have the pleasure of ending them. Now, this is off to a good start. I feel at home here. A SWAT car with two drivers come barreling my way. One is driving while another is on the mounted gun. I thought there was only allowed one driver per car, but I guess everything is fair in death and war.
I retreat for cover while dropping grenades behind me. There has to be a way to shake them off my tail. Their car is able to drive through houses just like mine and their guns are starting to break my truck’s armor. Oh, what’s this? People are heading towards a sport’s stadium. I wonder…Oh, yes! This stadium is where everyone in the city is hiding. They’re the perfect cover as the cops hesitate to fire even one shot at me. That’s right, now I have you! It takes only a few missiles and a light peppering of machine gun fire to blow up their heavily armored SWAT car.
This is just proof that I’m a good person because who could ask for a better gift as this? I drive around the stadium and let loose. Every soul I release from this world will thank me later. Now my pink and white ice cream truck is covered in red. I haven’t had a rush like this in weeks! Now, back to the game. I hope there are still more for me to kill. Oh, it looks like my spree attracted someone and they look pissed. Good.
Follow me little birdy. For finding me, here is your reward. I use one of my truck’s special controls to make a robotic arm come out of the right side. It takes the little birdy and crushes it. The sound of bones breaking and screaming is such a joy to hear that I should’ve added it to my truck’s music playlist. This robotic arm is only a taste of my truck’s surprises. Four down. Seven more to go.
The noise of fighting draws me to an interesting sight. Three people have totaled their vehicles and are about to fight each other on foot. I might as well play fair, so I park my truck in a back alley, take my special machete, and join the fight. I surprise one and chop off his head. Another one tries shanking me, so I cut off his hand and then stick my blade through his chest. The last girl tries shooting me with her snub pistol, but I take her by the throat, which makes her drop her pistol. I then throw her to the ground and cut off both her arms as she begs for her life.
“Oh shut up and bleed you mother-”, I say to her as I stick my blade into her head.
I step on her head for the added satisfaction before heading back to my truck. This is turning out to be the best day of my life. My previous life was so monotonous filled with false feelings of happiness and goodness, but now I truly feel happy by doing what I know is right. I just hope there are more souls to reap because I can barely hear anything now. It’s a good a time as any to use my truck’s special ability to get a better view. I throw a couple switches to transform my meager ice cream truck into a robot and fly up into the air. I threatened several mechanics and their families with death if they didn’t do this for me. Of course, I still killed them anyway. I needed someone to test my new toy on and I think release from this world is a reward in itself, so it was a win-win if you ask me.
Let’s see where is…Ah ha! There you are. Driving a large pickup truck makes you a well armored but slow target. My robot form may not be able to take as much punishment as its truck form, but it sure is faster and can deal more damage with its hands and legs. The robot tears through the truck’s armor as it struggles to shake me off. I eventually manage to tear off the front of the car then squish the driver like a pimple with my robot’s hands. Oooooh, that’s the stuff!
Anyone else want to face me? I hear sirens going off. I think I’m the final survivor.
“I hope you still have some fight left in you,” I can hear an announcer saying from the speakers in the city, “Because the winner of last year’s High Octane is here to test your mettle. Welcome back Retribution!”
I’ve heard of this guy. Retribution tried fixing the world but ended up extending its suffering because he didn’t think through what his wish meant. I won’t make the same mistake. This guy has a pieced together red mustang with armor and weapons welded onto it. It’s a wonder how this guy survived-oh, now that’s interesting. Part of the car transforms into a sort of robot like mine, but his doesn’t have feet. Damn, it has missiles that can track me. Staying in the air like this isn’t safe, so I transform my truck back into its original form and fight him this way.
There’s no reason why I can’t destroy him easily, and yet, his armor and speed are admirable. Did William do something to this guy because his car shouldn’t be this good? Shit! He got me, but just because my truck is done for, doesn’t mean I am! I get the guns in the back of my truck and unload everything I have starting with my rockets, which makes Retribution fly into the air. My grenades hit the under of his car when it lands, disabling it. Every bullet and shell I have goes into his car because I am not going to lose. Nothing is going to stop me from winning.
I’m completely empty of everything including my pistols and magnums Retribution is seemingly still alive. Stupid motherfucker. Just blow up already! I throw my machete into the hood of the car, which finally blows him up. I’m not going to question it because I won!
“Where’s my wish, William?!” I excitingly scream towards the sky.
I see him descending from his blimp with his personal helicopter. He has guards with him. If I still had a weapon on me, I would be able to kill him. That will have to wait for later.
“Calm yourself, good sir,” William says as he gets out of his helicopter to meet me, “Should I call you by your proper name or your other name?”
“Call me the name that you know won’t get you killed,” I tell him.
“I’m just making sure, Mr. Doe. Now, what does your demented heart desire?”
“I desire the extinction of all life on this decaying world.”
“Then your wish…is granted.”
William’s eyes shine a black light as the world shakes around us. Parts of the world around us start falling down as earthquakes and the weather destroys everything around us. I can hear people dying in the distance. It’s as if I can hear the collective screaming of the entire world, and it’s beautiful. William and his lot leave the area and that’s fine with me. Even if I don’t survive, I’ve got what wanted.
In a past life, I had a wife and kids who died to unfortunate circumstances and now, everyone will be together. No one will die. No one will suffer unless you’re in Hell of course. No one will do useless work to get by in the joke that is life that will kill them anyway. Death is all there is now, and it’s beautiful.
Dying Breed by Five Finger Death Punch is a great song for a story like this. I'll be putting other songs like this with other parts of this story to show you some good music, and the general feel I want you to have of the story.
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