Chapter
1 – The Dumbass is Back in Town
Albert gets Carl for his show by saying, “Ok
Carl. You’re back in your hometown of Hillside City so you have to make them
feel like this is the best place to be.”
“Don’t worry man,” Carl assures him, “You’ve
trained me how to woo the crowd and I’m used to it. I got this.”
“Good luck out there and break a leg.
Actually no, don’t break your legs.”
“I won’t.”
An introducer announces Carl’s presence
while the crowd cheers for his return.
Carl starts out his show by saying, “It’s
good to be back in one of the best cities in the world am I right?”
The crowd claps
and cheers his name.
“Yup. Nowhere else
in the world can I find a more peaceful, but totally crazy place thanks to our
police force. There they are, let’s give them a round of applause!”
Harley, the chief
of police, along with her three favorite officers and her friend and her
husband are here for Carl’s return and thanks everyone for their appreciation.
“So staying on you
chief, is it true that you and your officers actually had their hair colored
white at some point in their youth?”
“Yes!” Harley says
with a little laugh.
“What an odd hair
color choice. Tell me, did you choose that color because of your heavenly
personalities or because you are all dead inside and that’s how you guys can
execute so many criminals?”
This line gets a
good laugh out of the crowd and the police officers.
“So what else do
people think about Hillside City besides our police force? Oh yeah. The Human
Mirror or whatever the psychologists call this condition in Latin. They think
that just because a lot of people in this city get this condition, means it’s a
bad place to live and they couldn’t be farther from the truth if they tried.”
The crowd cheers
in agreement.
“What is the Human
Mirror anyways? Some sort of Silent Hill
rip-off state of mind where your personality comes to life and tries to help
you change your life by showing you the monster in the mirror. If I ever get
that condition, I hope I can get the UFO ending so I can hang out with James
Sunderland, Harry Mason, and some rad grey aliens. Does anyone have a blue
stone by any chance?”
There’s a bit of
laughter by the crowd. Carl then goes into bits about real world events,
politics, and other funny point about life that always get the crowd laughing
their guts out. He comes to the end of the show and starts it out in a special
way for his own city.
“Now here’s the
part that you love and I hate. Back when I was a kid, I was the unpopular boy
in the class with no real friends, I don’t even think the teachers liked me.
There was no real reason for this, I think, so it just must’ve been my ugly
face that got them to dislike me. So one day I got the bright idea to do a
little performance to gain their approval. I wore the coolest clothes I could
find and tried talking to who I thought were the most popular kids in class.
The problem? I accidentally slipped on something and headbutted one of the kids
in the face. I didn’t get detention for it since it was obviously an accident,
but that excuse got me the nickname, ‘The Accident’, which is funny because
that’s also what my parents say.”
Carl laughs along
with the crowd.
“Well what can you
say? I’m just a big dumbass, thank you everyone for coming here tonight!”
The crowd claps
and cheers for their comedian.
“That was a great
job Carl,” Albert says.
“What do you
expect from an expert comedian whose gotten laughs around the country?”
“I know, but don’t
get too comfortable, you still have a few more days of hometown work.”
“It’s what I live
for man so it’s all good. Now I’m gonna get a few drinks from the bar. Want to
join?”
“Sure.”
“But you actually
have to drink more than a couple beers ya lightweight.”
“I won’t make any
promises.”
After having a few
drinks with his manager, Carl goes back home and settles back into his nice
upper-class apartment. He looks over the city while enjoying a glass of Italian
red wine and takes in the feeling of being back home and all the memories that
come with it. A hot shower and a few midnight shows get him to fall asleep, but
he’s woken up by an other him with monsters behind him. Monsters who appear to
be hurting themselves with sharp appendages and choking themselves. Several of
them look like live execution machines while others are humanlike things that
appear to be in pain from something inside them. Carl goes back to sleep and
everything but the other him disappears.
The other him
says, “What did you do that for?”
“I’m tired. I need
to sleep.”
“Makes sense.”
The other him
falls asleep along with Carl.
Chapter
2 – Coping with Comedy
During the day
before each show, Carl doesn’t do much besides enjoy the rewards of his labor.
Though this is where he was born, he’s very distant from his family and the
only friends he has are the ones behind the show, but they don’t always have
time to hang out with each other. Long story short, Carl is alone all day with
the things he’s earned onto the next show! Albert doesn’t really give Carl any
tips on what to say and just gives him control of the show today.
As the crowd
settles down after he takes the stage, Carl begins tonight by saying, “Because
my manager is lazy enough to allow me to take charge of this chapter of my show
series, I’ll talk about books. Ah boring old novels. Who seriously reads
hundreds of pages of a story when it’s easier to have the story shown to you
via movie or TV show? Or how about more fun as in video games? What about going
half way and reading a comic book? Who seriously reads porn instead of watching
it am I right?”
A good laugh comes
out of the audience.
“But to give books
their credit, they are effect at putting me to sleep.”
The crowd laughs
with him a bit.
“But seriously,
there are very few books that I would actually consider reading like a cook
book or Shit to Say to Keep People Entertained.”
Another nice laugh
is gotten out of this.
“Speaking about
books, I tried to get a couple books published a fiction and another book about
comedy and coping with being single. I sent them to a publisher a friend
recommended to me and you can already guess what happened. None of it passed.
The reason? The editing and the audience I was targeting was all wrong
apparently even though my friend said my work was perfect for it. I went to a
local bookstore to see what kind of books they sell and man the words they used
in it were so flowery. You’d think they sell poems and English books instead of
fiction and nonfiction. This is probably the reason a lot of people don’t read
novels and instead go with literally anything else I know it’s the reason with
me. All I care about in a novel is the story and as long as the storytelling is
clear and the story itself is interesting then I’ll consider it great. Let’s
see if we can make better stories than those ‘professional writers’ here and
now ok?”
The crowd cheers
as they raise their hands so they can come up on stage and tell their story.
Some of the stories told are fan fiction type stories, others are mostly
original, and some people just told personal real-life stories. After this bit
of interaction, he begins to end the show.
“Since you’ve told
some of your personal stories, I might as well tell my own. Being a small
little shit teenager, I got into trouble, but it was never truly my fault. I
always got setup by someone else or my parents thought an accident I made was
on purpose. As such, I barely got that many gifts and allowance money. On one
day when I did have enough money to buy something for myself, I went to a comic
store and was going to get a couple books, but the thing is, I gave a few
dollars to a homeless boy on the street and only got two comics. Good old Carl,
right? Well the thing is, is that later the boy was on the news later that
night for fatally injuring one man and injuring a couple other people because
he was on drugs. So that’s what my charity did, but what do you expect from me?
I’m just a big dumbass! Thank you everyone for coming tonight!”
The crowd cheers
as Carl leaves the stage. Again, he asks Albert to go to the bar for a few
drinks, but this time he declines. Looking for a drinking partner, Carl asks
one of the other people he knows and the two drink together for a couple short
hours before going their separate ways. Back at home he takes another drink
before going to sleep. Again, his monsters come to haunt him.
This time he says
to them, “Fuck off.”
And the monsters
‘fuck off’ by jumping out of the apartment window.
The other him lays
next to Carl and asks, “You’re such a dumbass for not doing something about
your problem.”
“That’s what makes
me one. Now do you have any smart words to say to me or are you just going to
keep me awake?”
“Eh, none of the
above.”
“Good. Sleep
time.”
Carl and the other
him go to sleep and hold their issues for the next day like every other day.
Chapter
3 – Three More Drinks, Three More Poisons
There are few
things Carl doesn’t have. He has tons of comics, games, movies, TV shows, fancy
drinks and even a few pornographic PC games, but he doesn’t have boats, expensive
cars, or luxurious furniture. These things were never on Carl’s shopping list
as he never wanted them though he does feel the need to spend money on
something. He instead spends whatever excess money he makes on charities since
he charities will always need money. His bills never bother him so they’re
never on his mind even when he stays at expensive hotels. He pretty much has
everything he could ever want except for a few things. A few things that could
help him keep going besides his show. Speaking of that, because of Carl great made
up performance last night, Albert gets the idea for Carl to talk about art. He
quickly refreshes Carl knowledge on the topic and sends him out to his raving
fans.
“Thanks to my
amazing manager, we’re going to talk about art. Yeah, I know art can be
subjective, but I mean really, who the hell would buy some of the stuff they
show nowadays. We have a few pieces of ‘art’ to show you today.”
A few paintings
and drawings appear above Carl’s head a big TV.
“Ok here we
go…this one looks like some kind of animal. This one looks like a person who
just came out of a car accident. This right here looks like a bunch of shapes
mixed together. This here straight up looks like someone messed it up and kept
messing it up. Now this one looks like a dick, there’s no subtly in that, I’m
not the only one seeing that right?”
The crowd laughs
while he gave his interpretations and in agreement.
“And the real
funny thing about this abstract art is that people make hundreds of thousands of
dollars per drawing. Damn man, I could totally draw drunk while using my ass as
my tool and sell whatever abomination is made for the price of a nice car.”
This gets a good
laugh out of the crowd.
“But even though
it isn’t taken seriously nowadays, there can be cool art pieces to look at. Not
for large amounts of money in my opinion, but still. There are also ‘artists’
who insert their art into their work and it doesn’t really work. There’s this
one rare book author that I read from and this guy has his own style where he
puts a picture that pertains to the chapter or story in the beginning of the
chapter. To be honest, the drawings are fine for the genre the story is in, but
they suck.”
Carl and the crowd
laugh a bit.
“This guy really
needs to work on his art style or else people are going to think he’s overrated
or just not worth their time. I mean I think you guys can drawing better than
this self-published author so who wants to prove that?”
Carl brings up
several people and they paint several pictures with the tools presented. The
participants are rewarded in cash and with praise from the audience.
“Believe it or
not, this is one of the only ways I can get people to like me. I’ve tried to
hold or get into relationships with a girl for years. Some already have boyfriends,
some have higher standards, but there was one who accepted me. I was a young
man trying to find my purpose in life and I met this girl at a bar whose number
I got somehow. We really got to know each other and we were basically perfect
for each other. Sure I had to buy things for her despite my limited wallet and
she barely bought things for me, but that didn’t matter since I kept her happy.
After about a year of dating, I get this text message from this one guy we both
know tells me she broke up with me and that he’s sorry. Strange I know, but
what’s stranger is that the both of them disappear from the planet I mean I
couldn’t get in touch with either of them over the phone and no one was home at
her house. So what I think essentially happened was that she was cheating on me
the entire time without me knowing then decided to finally hook up with the guy
and leave town to avoid any drama.”
The crowd laughs
at the story.
“It’s true I
swear! Fucking hundreds of dollars and wasted time and emotions out the window
for no good reason. But what do I know, right? I could’ve been doing something
wrong without knowing. I mean I am a big dumbass after all! Thank you everyone
for coming tonight!”
Again, Carl asks
for a drinking partner after the show, but no one wants to drink with him. He
goes home and has a drink by himself. This time, his monsters appear to him
while he drinks.
Pouring several
drinks, he says, “You guys want a drink?”
The monsters and
the other him take the offer and have a little drinking party together. All of
the monsters’ skin slowly fall apart as the party goes on until their bodies
fall apart and Carl passes out.
Chapter
4 – Another Day Another Step Forward to the Edge
Since Carl doesn’t
have anything to do in the morning, he rests until he has to go to his show.
This isn’t the first time he’s done this and he doesn’t mind. It isn’t like
there’s someone that cares what he’s doing or how he is. Once it’s time to go
out on stage, Albert gives Carl a few pointers as to what to say today and he goes
along with it.
“Today, I’m going
to talk to you about how to become famous. Now let’s start at the bottom which
is where we all start unless we got connections in the industry we’re going
for. What you want to do is constantly work towards your goal while enjoying
what you’re doing. Don’t overwork yourself, but also don’t become lazy. You see
that author I told you about last night hopes for people to get his books and
talk about them while he tries to use social media and blogging to get people
interested in him. He’s a self-published author so he has to get all of his
readers on his own and to be honest, he’s not really good at it. Sure, he
entertains his audience and give us what we want, but it’s going to take a
while before he gets any kind of fame and fortune if it’s even a possibility
for him. What did I do to get here? Constant practice and I just happened to
run into the right people. Lucky for you guys and gals today, I’m going to help
some of you get your names out there.”
Carl brings up
many people to get their name out there in the field they wish. He clarifies
what they want to do in life, why, then endorses those who are confident and
helps others who don’t have much confidence. Several familiar stories and
feelings come through to Carl, which almost bring him to tears. These people
are given the most endorsement due to sympathy and relatability. Carl makes
tonight show more about the audience and less about comedy, a quirk that gives
him a lot of his appeal. Alas, he still ends the show the way he always does.
“Wow you people
are something special, but then again, I shouldn’t be surprised by one of the
best cities not only in this country but in the world.”
The crowd roars in
agreement.
“You people are so
special in fact that I’m actually jealous. No seriously, I’m jealous! The
levels of strength, determination, and patience is something else that I have
never seen or have been able to do. I know that’s really saying something when
you know my past, but I’ve only been able to just get by with low amounts of
confidence and patience. Let’s hear it again for you.”
Carl claps and
gives praise for his audience and they cheer his name and clap for him in
return as a show of appreciation.
“Thank you, thank
you. I swear you like me more than anyone I’ve ever known besides my wonderful
crew in the back who help me. Let’s hear it for them as well.”
The crowd and Carl
clap for his crew.
“You know it’s
funny that I’ve let you run the show today even though I’m supposed to be the
entertainment. This is a comedy show that I’m supposed to have full control
over, but what do I know, I’m just a big dumbass. Thank you everyone for coming
and participating tonight!”
Tonight is again
another drinking night especially with the big crowd and everyone praising it
on social media. The whole crew drinks with him and enjoy a great night out
together with Carl drinking the most. Because of this, he passes out as soon as
he gets home. His monsters, unable to move because of his state, lay down with
him.
Chapter
5 – Let the Ocean Take Me
As Carl lays down
his bed, his other him calls Albert to say that he’s taking the night off.
“Really man? This
is your big comeback! Did you really drink that much last night?” Albert asks.
“Yeah, I’m sorry
man,” says the other him, “You know my bad habits.”
“Your bad habits
are going to get you killed.”
“This isn’t the
first time we’ve tried.”
The other him
hangs up the phone as Carl bolts out of bed.
“What did you so
that for?”
“What’s the point
of doing this day after day? Huh? We keep making money and getting things for
no real purpose. We have everything that we could ever want except what we
really want. A family. A wife. A kid. We are famous, but we still can’t get
what millions of other people can.”
“So what the fuck
do you want me to do about it?!”
“There’s nothing
we can do! All we can do is just keep suffering like this until we eventually
die!”
“Then why don’t we
skip to the best part?!”
“Why don’t we.”
Carl opens his
window then jumps out. Before he hits the ground, the ground disappears and
brings him to the past where his family is yelling at him for his mistakes. He
hears a crowd laughing at him in the background as this is happening.
“No! I’m not going
through this shit again!”
He breaks his own
neck and gets turned around to see his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend
laughing about Carl and joking about how much of an idiot Carl is. The laughing
crowd grows louder.
“Stop it!”
Carl pulls a
pistol out of nowhere and shoots himself in the head, but he just falls down
and into the streets of the city where people are making fun of him while some
yell at him for not being funny. The laughing from the crowd grows even louder
and crazier to the point where Carl’s ears start to bleed. He screams and run
out into traffic and gets hit, but he doesn’t die and just gets slammed into
his monsters.
“Just do your
purpose and fucking kill me!”
The monsters
gladly start beating and slashing at Carl much to his relief. Suddenly, they
stop beating him and he blacks out.
Chapter
6 – An Unkillable Desire
Moments later,
Carl wakes up in a hospital bed.
The doctor there
tells him that, “We found you at the bottom at flight of stairs. Be careful
next time you drink alright? You’re lucky.”
Carl thinks to
himself that his stupid brain’s biggest plan to kill him was by just throwing
himself down the stairs.
“It seems you got
quite a number of visitors Carl,” the nurse says as tons and tons of people
come to him.
They tell him
stories of how he’s their inspiration, their role model, and their source of
laughter to help them continue living. All of their words give him a feeling of
importance. A feeling that he’s always wanted and a feeling that he got in a
way he never thought he get in this way. After he heals a bit, he decides to
hold the comeback show for tonight.
Albert gets Carl
for his show by saying, “Ok Carl. You’re back in business in your hometown of
Hillside City so you have to make them feel like this is the best place to be.”
“Don’t worry man,”
Carl assures him, “You’ve trained me how to woo the crowd and I’m used to it. I
got this.”
“Good luck out
there and break a leg. Actually no, don’t break your legs again.”
“I won’t.”
An introducer
announces Carl’s presence while the crowd cheers for his return.
Carl starts out
his show by saying, “It’s good to be back and active in one of the best cities
in the world am I right? You see, I learned something really important after my
‘accident’ not only am I a big dumbass for my past actions and mistakes, I’m a dumbass
for not seeing my purpose in life and the people around me that depend on me. It
doesn’t matter that I hang out with them every day, it doesn’t matter if they’re
not in a relationship with me, it doesn’t matter if they return the love back, and
it doesn’t matter if they’re my kids. What’s important is that they continue living
with hope and have a role model that shows them not to give up even when things
are beyond difficult. I can promise you no, I promise you that I will always be
that person you look up to even when I make mistakes. I am a big dumbass hero to
people after all.”
THE END
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