Bothersome Even in Death
It’s now after the end of the world. Hell is sealed up. None will escape and no one will go there anymore. All of humanity has risen from their graves and the virtuous have reclaimed the world once and for all, and yet, I am still bothered, tortured even, by one thing, one man, a friend of mine who won’t stop chasing me. He wants to put cat ears on my head because he says that I’ll look cute with them on. Before the end of the world, he tried to put them on my head and still wants to after so many countless years.
It doesn’t matter where I go. He always manages to find me and try to put the cat ears on my head. No walls can deter him since he can go through them and no one will stop him because they’re too busy enjoying eternity. I’m alone in trying to avoid those accursed ears getting on my head. Not even God will help me. Why does this have to happen to me after the end of time? Eventually, I hide in a cave thinking that my friend lost me, however, he does end up finding me.
“Kelly, Kelly. You know that I can hear all your thoughts and can ask God where you are so I know where you are and what you’re thinking at all times,” my friend says.
“Oh, shut up! I won’t let you put those cat ears on me,” I say.
“What cat ears? I don’t have any on me.”
My friend shows me his empty hands, and as he smiles, I realize what has happened all too late. He gave my guardian angel the cat ears and distracted me so my guardian angel could put them on my head.
“Ha! I told you that you would look cute with them on!”
“You do. The ears compliment your halo very well,” my so-called guardian angel says.
More people that my friend and I know come in and tell me how cute I look. It’s all so embarrassing. If I didn’t know this was paradise, I’d say it was some kind of nightmare.
“With that done, let’s talk about an important topic,” my friend says as he turns to another. “Giorgio, it’s called gravy, not sauce.”
“Come on, why do you have to bring this back up again after so much time has passed?”
“Because it’s important.”
“Well, you’re wrong.”
“No, you’re wrong.”
An argument breaks out between family and friends over this topic and since every human on earth knows what’s going on, they get involved as well. What constitutes gravy and sauce and why certain things should be called gravy and other things sauce is so fiercely debated that God has to come down and settle it once and for all. Out of everything that I could’ve imagined happening after the end of time, what has happened today has gone beyond what I could’ve guessed. Still, it’s not a bad life. At least I won’t have to worry about pain, death, and suffering besides my bothersome friend.
Just a Prank
Three friends try to pull a prank on their friend, Camden, in December by dressing up as stereotypical horror monsters. They think he’ll never expect it and that it may break him out of his sour mood. While Camden is rushing to get his chores done around the house, a swamp monster appears in his basement and crawls up to him as he descends the stairs. This scares him so much that he drops his things and immediately tries to run out of the house only to be met by a werewolf. Again, scared by this, he tries to exit out the back and is met by a squid man. With no other option left, Camden opens a window and leaves the house this way. As he tries to run for help, Camden is met by the three monsters again, but they reveal themselves as his friends after he tries to run away.
“Surprise, Camden!” they say as they reveal their faces under the costumes.
“What? Why did you pull this stupid prank on me?” Camden asks.
“Because you need to lighten your mood. It’s the Christmas season. You should be more joyful and less focused on your work and chores.”
“I can’t be anything other than focused on the work I have to do. I have to get it all done before the week of Christmas or else I won’t be able to be with you guys and the family.”
“We’ll help you finish whatever it is you need. We’re friends, Camden. You don’t need to do it all alone.”
They all agree and bring a smile to Camden’s face and peace to his agitated soul.
“…thanks guys. Still, you didn’t need to scare me like this to tell me that.”
“You kept ghosting us because you were so busy, so yes, we had to tell you this way.”
“I guess you’re right. How did you even catch up to me from my house?”
“What do you mean?”
“You guys were just at my house. Don’t play stupid.”
Camden’s friends look at one another in confusion.
“We weren’t at your house. This is the first time we’re seeing you today.”
“Then…who were the monsters that I saw?”
The answer comes to them as Camden’s friends are surprised to see three people behind him in the exact same costumes. Seeing their reaction, Camden turns around and isn’t sure what to make of this.
“Who are you three and why are you wearing those costumes?” one of Camden’s friends asks.
“Costumes?” the three monsters say before looking at each other, taking off their heads, and revealing themselves to be real monsters, “What costumes?”
Camden and his friends run away from the monsters who are now confused and shrug.
One says to the other, “Well, our job is done.”
“I told you his friends would change his mind.”
“I’m glad they’re going to be working together and-do you mind?”
The monsters turn to a cop who started shooting them to no effect.
Confused as to what to say, the cop holds up his hands as if they were the ones with guns and says, “Um, I’m sorry?”
“It’s quite alright. Just don’t rudely interrupt people while they are trying to have a conversation.”
“We should disappear before we scare anyone else.”
“You’re right. We’ll celebrate back home for a job well done.”
The bodies of the monsters disappear in a flash of light which leaves the cop and the people in the neighborhood absolutely dumbstruck as to what happened.
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