Why do I still have him in my mind? It’s been what? A little over a month since I last talked to him and he still takes up a place in my mind. The last time I talked about him to my family and friends they said to not worry about him and if he wanted to be with me, he wouldn’t have stopped talking to me. Other guys have tried to be with me, but I’ve turned them all down. I feel like I just want to let him go. It’s just that I can’t. My heart can’t let go of its past feelings for him. My memories won’t stop bringing him up.
“Admit it. You still lust over him. When you get a boyfriend, you should take out all your frustrations on him,” a voice says in my head.
No. That isn’t right. I’m not going to listen to you. These stupid demons in my head won’t stop bothering me. They’ve been a pain from the start of the week and have been infiltrating my dreams with perverse and violent visions. Praying and talking to a priest usually help, but not this time for whatever reason. I’d hate to think that I have that Human Mirror condition or whatever it’s called.
“It’s okay to think the things you do. Imagine if he comes back to you. Do you remember the day that you said goodbye to him? Do you remember how he tried chasing after you as your parents drove you away? Imagine putting that precious face of his into the dirt for what he did. What a liar. Imagine him crying for forgiveness at your feet.”
Stop it, stop it! I don’t want to think about that!
“But you do. You can feel the pleasure rising inside of you. You can feel the hatred.”
How did pop-pop deal with his anger issues? I look up to his mask that I have on the wall. My dad made it after finding the design that pop-pop hid. Apparently, he used to be a vigilante of some kind on top of being a boxer. Pop-pop was a hero who killed people with his bare hands to subdue the anger in him or at least, that’s the story he told dad. The only reason why pop-pop stopped being a hero was because he didn’t subdue his anger. He only made it burn more and his first wife was brutally killed while he was out.
“Why don’t you fight for yourself like pop-pop did? There are people in school who get on your nerves. Fight them. Your parents get on your nerves. They tore you from the love of your life. They gave him a reason to stop talking to you.”
No, I won’t. Stop talking to me!
“Stop thinking about it then. Stop letting the thought bother you.”
Going for a walk should help.
“Where are you going, Alexa?” my dad asks before I go out.
“Oh, I’m just going for a walk.”
“Alright. Just be careful and bring an umbrella. It looks like it’s going to rain.”
“Okay. I won’t be out long.”
It does look like it’s going to rain outside. I have a bad feeling about it, but I don’t know why. Maybe it’s just the weather. After I take an umbrella, I go out and walk to the park.
“Remember when he used to take you to the park? Remember when he saved you from falling off a tree? Remember when you called him a hero?”
Shut it. I don’t want to think about it. That’s why I’m out here after all.
“Oh, but you do. Admit that you still have feelings for him.”
Stop it.
“Admit it and I might.”
What’s going on? Am I walking in circles in the park? Even when I cross the street, I’m still walking in the park.
“You’re thinking in circles in your mind. Admit it.”
Okay, fine. I admit that I still have feelings for him, but that’s not going to fix anything.
“You’re going to find a fix soon enough, trust me.”
Why would I trust anything that you say?
“Because I know how you feel. I know all your desires and passions. I know all your sins and weakness. Do you see me?”
What are you?
“Can’t you see? I’m you.”
N-no! You aren’t! You can’t be!
“See? I can control your hand. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself.”
Stop it!
“Why don’t you touch yourself now? You’ve tried it before.”
Get away from me! I see you for who you truly are. You’re a monster with four arms and three heads. One with a mouth, one that has two faces, and one that looks like pop-pop’s mask.
“This is just nonna, pop-pop, and you gave me. The perverted side is from her. You remember the way she dressed for pop-pop in those old photos. It’s a good thing she still looked beautiful in her old age.”
That doesn’t mean she was a pervert! She was a great doctor and writer who helped hundreds of people!
“You don’t know as much as you think. At least you’ll agree with me about pop-pop, right? His wife died because he wanted to go out to kill people to pretend to be a hero and let out his stress.”
Shut up! He was a boxer who was an inspiration for lots of people!
“Oh, they were such saints, weren’t they? It’s a shame they died before you got to talk to them. If dad got to them in their dying moments, they may have held on for a little longer.”
It’s not his fault. Besides, I talk to them in my prayers.
“If you say so.”
Hey, where am I now? Ack. It’s starting to rain.
“Oh, look at who’s laying over there. It’s him.”
What? Isn’t that…it can’t be. Michael…It can’t be him.
“He’s a little worse for wear but it’s definitely him.”
Stop tricking me!
“This isn’t a trick. How could I come up with an imagination of him in a torn black dress if that image of him never entered into your mind?”
What happened to him? How did he even get here?
“I don’t know, but you know how God punishes people. He must’ve fallen into the sin of lust in a terrible way that made him end up on the streets like this.”
I don’t even know what I should do.
“I know what you should do. You should take him into the alley and have your way with him.”
No!
“Oh, you’re right. We should be more civilized about this. Take him home and have your way with him when mom and dad are at work.”
Shut up.
“Pleasure is too good for him. You should inflict all the pain you want on him. He’ll understand. Just look at him. I’m sure he feels pathetic already. He deserves it, doesn’t he?”
I’m not going to do that either.
“What? Are you actually going to bring him to your house and be nice to him despite everything he’s done to you?”
Yes.
“Why?”
Because it’s like you’ve gotten me to admit. I love him.
“If you say so, but don’t blame me if he comes after you instead.”
Shut up.
“Don’t tell me that you want him to do that.”
I’m not talking to you anymore…Good. It’s finally quiet. Okay…here we go. I hope this is actually Michael and not a figment of my imagination.
“Michael, is that you?”
“Uh. Yes, I’m Michael, but who are you?” he asks.
He doesn’t remember me? Something really bad must’ve happened to him.
“I’m Alexa. Remember? I moved here a couple of months ago with my family. You…look like you’ve been through a lot. Do you want to come over my house to get cleaned up?”
“Yeah. I’d like that.”
It’s him. It’s really him and I can’t help but smile because of it. As we walk together back to my house, I can’t help my feelings of gladness. I don’t feel mad at him anymore. I’m just glad that he’s finally back with me. Don’t worry, Michael. I still love you no matter what and I’ll help you out of whatever you’ve gotten into.
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