Chapter
3 – Pride and Self-Ascension
Me? A princess with my own kingdom and
servants who will do anything that I want and I can get anything I want? What’s
not to love about that?
They’ll be no more struggling against
temptation. No more denying myself and constantly going to confession and doing
useless penances that do nothing to take away my desire to take justice into
my own hands. They have only stoked the fires for me to get what I want even
more.
When I finally get what I want, I’ll finally
be happy. My family will be happy and never be disappointed in me again. Zidane
will learn to understand my perspective and love me even more. I’ll never be
looked down on and hated for no good reason. Instead, people will have a good
reason to be jealous.
Just think about it. I can come true as soon
as I accept my real mom’s offer. Just think about the happiness and peace of
mind I can have. Just think about how loved I will be. Just think about the riches
and possessions I’ll have.
I shake off the temptations as I remember my
true self, wake up in a cold sweat, and see that my snakes are dancing around
my head. “Get away! Leave me alone!” I say while smacking the snakes around.
Even though this causes me pain, I repeatedly hit the snakes out of hatred for
them and my impatience in removing their influence from my mind.
Dad races into my room with mom behind him
and he says, “Is everything okay? Why are you hurting yourself, Varena?”
“It’s nothing. Just bad dreams and
temptations again.”
“Better get to confession today like you
planned.”
“Okay.” As if that’s helped me at all.
“You’ll overcome your temptations one day.
Trust me.”
“I know, I know, mom. Thank you.” Mom and dad
each give me a hug and kiss before I leave. Along the way to church, I try not
to make eye contact with people that I know are looking at me. A sense of
relief comes over me as I make it to church and I finally feel like I can
breathe correctly. There’s no one in line for confession, which makes things
even better. Going into the confessional, I find a large man whose face I can’t
see. Must be a new priest. He gestures towards the seat in front of him and I sit
down and then say, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. It’s been…a day since
my last confession and these are my sins.” I then list my usual sins and unintentionally
include what happened with Piaras.
Lifting his head, the priest reveals himself
to be a deity. “Nothing that you have mentioned is a sin, Varena.”
“You’re a deity and that must mean you’re
with Venetta, aren’t you? What are you doing here pretending to be a priest?
Answer me or else I’ll have to confess beating you down to a real priest.”
“I am Fr. Niklos and I am an actual priest
with the church. They’re just unaware of my allegiance with Venetta despite my
appearance as a deity. Don’t you know that the church allows serpentmen who are
in a deity form into the church and into the priesthood? The church is in desperate
need of priests after all.”
“Keep talking. That doesn’t explain why you
are here.”
“What do you need to be explained if you know that
your mom sent me here? She wants you back home with her ruling the kingdom that’s
rightfully yours.”
“Tell her that my answer remains the same.
Her meeting me has made things worse for me in town and I only hate her more because of it.”
“I know that the people in this town that
already had suspicions of you and you defending yourself against them is the
reason why you are here, but what you did was just self-defense even though you
did put one of them in the hospital.”
“Tch.” Part of me knows he’s telling the truth.
“Whatever. I don’t have time for this, so I’ll be seeing a real priest.”
Before I can do anything, Niklos blocks the
door with his large tail. “Don’t bother screaming because these walls are soundproof. It’s mostly to keep the confessions of the sinners silent and inaudible
to those outside, but these walls have also heard the conspiracies of the
clergy and those whom they deal with. The church will corrupt and destroy itself
even without our influence.”
“The church for sinners is full of sinners? Do
you want to tell me that water is wet too? Let me out of here!” I try to claw
at the priest, but his giant snake arms restrain me. I then try yelling as loud
as I can for help.
“Why would one of them help you if they heard
you? They don’t know your true value. You risked your life to save a friend,
you are patient with those who don’t deserve it, and you defend yourself and
those you love with your own hands despite the possible repercussions and because
it is right and just. Such actions are that of a true monarch.”
His words echo through my head as if he had
spoken them inside of it. “Shut…I…”
“I am pretty great, aren’t I? I can’t deny
that. Now that I think about it more, I was justified in doing some of the things
I did.”
“But-but only in some of the things. Not all
of it!”
“A true deity doesn’t need to justify themselves
to anyone. Once you learn from the queen what that means, you’ll never have to
justify yourself to anyone or any god.”
“Shut up and get out of my head!”
“I’ll let you go. I’ve done what I needed to
do.” Niklos lets me go and quickly slithers out of the room. When I leave the
confessional, I can’t manage to find him, so I instead try to find Fr. Virgil. Eventually,
I do find him in the nearby abbey after asking around for him.
“Did you need my help, Varena? What’s going
on?”
“D-don’t trust Niklos! He’s a servant of
Venetta, my other mom. My snakes, my temptations are still acting up because of
him!”
Before Fr. Virgil can say anything, Zidane
barges in. “Varena! I’m so glad that I finally found you! I don’t know where
your parents are and your house is being attacked!”
“What?! As if today couldn’t get any worse.”
Before Zidane can explain any further, I quickly get out of the building and
make my way back home. Behind me, Zidane and Fr. Virgil try telling me to calm
down and be careful. I don’t care to listen to them at this point. It doesn’t
matter if this is Venetta’s doing or the people in the town. I’ll kill whoever
is destroying what my family built up. When I get back to my house, I find a
mob of people throwing things at my house with one of them trying to burn it
down. I immediately leap into action and try to stop them, but I’m too late and
the building catches fire. With it, the last bit of my patience goes away and
my anger is enflamed even further.
Zidane manages to catch up and starts pushing
aside the people who come after me. “Back off! You should all be ashamed of
yourselves! Get behind me, Varena!”
I don’t listen to Zidane and throw myself
into the fight and claw at my attackers until they start getting scared and run
away. Trista, Selestine, and Fr. Virgil are here now and are trying to put out
the fire, but that’s not a concern in my mind at the moment as my eyes and mind
focus on the scum running away from me. Zidane tries to convince and stop me
from chasing after them. I don’t listen to him and why should I? He should be
chasing them down and making them pay with me. He’s my boyfriend and husband-to-be
after all.
“You…you people won’t escape me!” I say while
trying to keep down my temptations and continue the chase. Eventually, I lose
Zidane in the constant twists and turns.
As I get closer to one of my targets in the
alleyways we’re going through, I reach out for their neck in expectation of
crushing it as soon as I can grab it. What surprises me is that we’re ambushed
by deities and molted and the people I was going after are beaten down by them
while I’m restrained and then Venetta arrives without any surprise.
“My daughter, I am overjoyed to see you
again.”
“I’m not! You’re behind all my troubles and I
want you out of my life! You’re probably also the reason why these people
attacked my home!”
“Admittedly, I may have fed into their fears
by trying to openly influence people and show ourselves in the night. I couldn’t
help myself! What would you expect of a caring mother? After meeting you last
week, I wanted you back as soon as possible! That’s why I sent Fr. Niklos after
you to give you the wisdom that you need to become the princess and deity you
were meant to be.”
“I won’t become who you want me to be so you
might as well leave me alone or kill me!”
“Why must you be like this? It can’t be for
the people of the town who ruined Zenos’ wonderful jewelry shop and hated you
for your association with me. It can’t be because you’re devoted to a deity
whose face you spit in every week with every sin you commit.”
“Y-you’re wrong! My confessions are genuine and
I’ve been trying my best to change. It just takes time!”
“How much time? Your confessions are hollow
because you keep making the same mistakes in the same ways all the time. In
reality, you aren’t sorry for your sins and you shouldn’t be. You’re perfect as
you are, my daughter. Nothing that you do is fundamentally wrong, as if such a
thing exists. If it does, then it exists in your circus of a church with a
deity that exists outside of reality and who doesn’t answer your prayers.”
“Shut up!”
“You know it to be true. No other faith claims
to be true and worship a true deity and goes against their beliefs as your
church does. Every single one of them is a hypocrite and a liar. Zenos and Qadira
made a horrible mistake raising you to believe in it when they should’ve been
teaching you to believe in yourself above all. That’s what true parents would’ve
done.”
Tch! I can’t stop Venetta’s words as they
reach further and further into my mind and take their root in it. The part of
me that’s resisting is quickly fading away and it doesn’t help that part of what
she says is true even if it’s only true on the surface in some manner of
speaking.
“I know that what I’m saying is settling into
you. You will soon be the princess and deity you were meant to be. Let’s
finally go home together, my daughter. Rest for now.” One of Venetta’s snakes
injects something into me with its tongue that makes me feel sleepy. As her
servants take me away from the town, they stop just outside of it. I can
vaguely hear Venetta say threatening words to the town if they don’t give up my
dad to her and pledge their service to her kingdom. In the distance, I can see
Zidane, my family, Trista, and Selestine watching and talking to each other.
Please, you have to help me…
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