Clawing Back to Heaven: Chapter 3 – Challenges Before the "Reward"

Chapter 3 – Challenges Before the "Reward"

Days like this when I’m spending it entirely in bed with my family are the best. My children and husband are all in one place in each other’s arms resting and loving each other’s simple company. Moments like these make it feel like they’ll never leave me and that I’ve discovered Heaven on Earth. This is where I want to be for the rest of my life and I want nothing more than this moment. A moment…a moment that isn’t real.

Waking up inside my dream, all my memories flood back into my mind in a second. Looking at my husband’s face, I see it cycle through the many husbands I’ve had, none of whom were able to give me any children. I wouldn’t call Leif an official husband, but his face is the one that stays on my husband in this dream and Harald’s face is the one on one of my children while the other’s face is featureless. I’ve never seen a dream correct itself to reality like this. Usually, they get worse or more disappointing, yet, for some reason, everything feels more correct than before.

As I relax in bed, reality completely takes over my dream and I wake up soon after. What’s strangest about what happened is that I want to go back to sleep and enjoy lying down with Leif and Harald. I guess this is a result of forgiving Leif and finally accepting Harald as my son, something that I feel stupid for taking so long to do. Jude is still keeping the boat straight while looking at a map and a telescope to look at the stars in the night sky as a reference.

“Hey, I’m awake. Let me take over,” I say as I get up from the makeshift bed of rags, drapes, and Jude’s long robe.

“I’m fine. We should be near a fishman settlement soon,” Jude says.

“Then rest get two minutes of rest, at least. We’ve been at sea for a day.”

“Okay, I’ll try.”

I don’t steer the ship for what feels like an hour before I see the broken ships of mankind’s futuristic past in the distance. These ships are like floating cathedrals and churches on the sea all of which are crashed into one another to form a makeshift city. Once I dock next to one, Jude immediately wakes up as if he had never fallen asleep. We are met by many friendly fishmen, most of which focus their thanks and welcome to Jude. Because of what happened last time, I keep my guard up, even though nothing seems wrong with this place. It suffers the effects of my curse as every other place in the world with many of the fishmen having clear mutations from their demons on their bodies and penitents around every corner.

Unlike before, the city’s leaders come to us and take us to a popular restaurant to eat. One of the leaders claims this is so that everyone can enjoy the company of the Pope, something that Jude is okay with even though it feels like a never-ending amount of people come to receive his blessing and talk to him. I think sailing the sea for hours was less exhausting for both of us. Not many people come up and talk to me, something that I’m used to as a result of being Evander’s guard so many years ago. I wouldn’t want all the attention anyway. It’s too exhausting and makes me understand why most men and women of high status prefer to stay in their castles and expensive meeting places.

After the dinner and telling everyone why we’re here, we are given a place in the best inn in the floating city, a two-bed bedroom since Jude still doesn’t want me to be far from him. I fall asleep, and yet, I don’t feel like I’m sleeping. In fact, I’m awake with my eyes open, unblinkingly looking at Jude and unable to move. It’s been a while since I had sleep paralysis, a sign that demons are near. Sure enough, the shadows in the room grow and I see dark forms walk out of them.

“Did you think you could so easily forgive the men that hurt you the most? Do you really forgive Evander and Leif?” a demon whispers in my voice.

“We gave you the chance to get what you wanted. Dominic’s descendent was yours to keep, but you fought us and used that moment to humble yourself against us. Do you think you’ll get out of this with a happy ending?”

“Do you think you’ll get the ending you want? The one that you deserve? You know you can only get it if you take it for yourself.”

Someone like me doesn’t deserve anything.

“So you tell yourself, but we both know you feel differently and that this journey that God has for you is nothing but pain and suffering at your expense.”

“God took away your true love. He even took away your son. What kind of son wants his mother to walk a path where she does nothing but suffer and die?”

I don’t deserve to be called his mother after what I did to him.

“You deserve better than him. You deserve to be more honest with yourself. Stop trying to hide the sorrow and anger you feel at God with all this praying, penance, and humility. You know He would want you to be honest.”

“Be honest about how you hate Leif for violating you in body and soul.”

“Be honest about how you hate Evander for extending your life and giving you false hope in his own delusions.”

“Be honest about how you hate yourself for constantly going back to God even though He keeps letting you down no matter how much you try to serve Him.”

I keep repeating Hail Marys and guardian angel prayers to get the temptations of demons out of my head. The memory of my parents plays in my head when they told me to pray these two prayers in addition to a prayer of trusting myself in God’s hands so I wouldn’t be afraid at night. How long has it been since I last thought of my parents? Are they looking down at me in disappointment? I left smiles on their faces the last time I saw them, but now, I’m unsure. Again, the memory of my parents comforting me at night plays again, except now it feels more real and the words they say are a bit different.

“It doesn’t matter what you do. We’ll always love you,” my mother says.

“I know you can beat any challenge you face, my soldier girl,” my father says.

Did I ever hear them say this before at this moment? No. I think they were here with me just now. Before I know it, the room around me has brightened up and the heavy presence of the demons is gone. Thank you for everything, mother and father. I’ll try to be the daughter you’ve always been proud of.

Going back to sleep, I feel like I only rest for a few minutes until everything around me starts to shake. I guess there really is no rest for the wicked. Looking outside, I see that it’s daytime, everyone is scurrying around, and the guards are directing people to safety. We ask what is going on and learn from the captains of the guards that attacks from demonically possessed people and fish monsters come every now and then and this is just one in a series of them.

“They’re attacking probably because we’re here,” Jude says.

“Don’t worry about that, Your Holiness. Just get to safety,” a captain says.

“No, I will not. I am the head of God’s Holy Church on Earth, and just as my predecessors before me, I will lead you all into battle from the front.”

The captains look at each other and reluctantly accept Jude’s command.

“It’s an honor having you fight with us.”

“The honor is mine.”

We don’t have much time to organize our forces as the enemy is already in the city. They leap out from the sea, mutated by their demons, and start attacking whoever they see and destroying holy statues from ages past. Jude leads the counterattack from the front as he said while I fight alongside him. It doesn’t take long for the chaos to separate us, especially with something that keeps shaking the floating city. The fishmen call their own fish to fight against the enemies’ monsters and to eliminate whatever is causing the shaking.

Eventually, the thing we are looking for emerges. It’s almost humanlike in shape. The monster is as dark as the night, has red eyes, four arms, red teeth, and sharp tendrils coming out of its mouth and head. The singular tendrils that are colored red and white remind me of my own face, and sure enough, it focuses its attention on me as the demons start whispering in my mind.

“It’s over.”

“Our power grows without you.”

“God has abandoned you, yet again.”

“Join us and you will be spared eternal punishment.”

“You can save them by submitting to us.”

“Assume your rightful place as queen of the world.”

“We can give you the happiness you deserve.”

Praying against the enemy, I ask the intercession of Mary, my guardian angel, all the saints I know, and the people in Heaven that I know are looking down at me. The monster starts lashing at me with its arms and tendrils to stop my praying, but I continue as I dodge its attacks and cut at its arms, body, and tendrils with my blessed sword. Suddenly, the state of Mary at the front of the floating city starts to glow. From it, a familiar face emerges.

“Hello, Priscilla. Didn’t think you’d see me after so long, did you?” Persephone says.

“No…I didn’t,” I say. After a short pause, I say, “But I appreciate your help.”

Persephone was Dominic’s wife and his true love, though I should say he loved God more than her because it is because of his love for God that he embraced her as his wife over me. She’s much like every other spirit from Heaven that I’ve seen, clothed in gold, having bright wings, and a shining halo. Her pink eyes with one iris being bigger than the other and her curly hair make her distinctive and instantly recognizable to me. As she pushes back the monster and the possessed, I remember how much I hated her because of how jealous I was of her. In life, she was a ditz and nowhere as pretty as me, and yet, Dominic chose her.

These feelings of jealousy start to feel like fresh wounds to me, so I push them back by thanking God that she made Dominic happy in a way that I couldn’t and was his companion into Heaven. The enemy is in full retreat now. Jude comes up to me and is wondering what I’m looking at. When he sees Persephone, he instantly recognizes her, remembering how I described her and thanking her for her aid.

I thank her as well, and then say, “Thank you for everything, including taking care of Dominic. You truly are the woman he was meant to be with.”

She comes up to me with a big hug and then says, “Aw! You’re welcome! I hope to see you join us soon so we can reminisce about old times.”

“Yeah,” I say as I hug her in return.

After fading away, the light from Persephone is replaced by the crimson fog of Onocrotalus. From it, a voice says, “You are finally ready to embrace your suffering, the key to the world’s salvation.”

It’s funny. I would’ve denied such a thing not too long ago.

Instead, I embrace it and say, “I accept. Lead me there.”

In mere seconds, Jude and I are taken to a place where, much like its people, appears to be constantly bleeding.

Clawing Back to Heaven: Chapter 2 – Old Passions

Chapter 2 – Old Passions

Pope Jude the Third hugs me and says, “I’m so glad to see you again, Priscilla!”

Jude looks a bit different than the last time that I saw him. His robes are shorter and wears armor specially made for the Pope, colored in bright gold and dark black colors. A red snake with red horns and wings that has his likeness is coming out of his left shoulder and seems to be miserable to be there. His face, like always, reminds me of Dominic, his ancestor, and my true love. Despite one of his ancestor's race mixing with a high elf, Dominic’s features are still prominent in his face such as the scar over his right eye, his green eyes, and brown hair, a sight that never gets old to me and oddly intoxicating.

“I’m not,” I say as I push him away as gently as I can. “Didn’t you read the note I left you?”

“I did but ignored it because you and the people out in the world need help.”

“Then go out and help others and leave me alone. It’s not like I can die out here and I know the proper prayers and penance to use against demons. What can of help can you offer that I need?”

“Confession and penance for one. You didn’t receive the sacrament after I saved you from yourself. It would help you deal with your demons.”

“I could confess to any priest I see and I’ve been doing nothing but penance ever since I repented.”

“But have you confessed yet?”

“No, because I haven’t had the time to. There’s no rush to anyways. As I said before, it’s not like I can die.”

“I don’t care. You’re still coming with me.”

“I can’t. Did you see that crimson mist before you arrived at the village?”

“I did and I assume that the men of Onocrotalus appeared here, right? Are any of them still around?”

“They aren’t,” I say before explaining everything the man in the mask told me.

“Then you merely prove my point that you need to receive the sacrament of Confession now.”

Jude takes my wrist and drags me off to a place outside the forest.

“Who do you think you are to drag me out here?” I ask as I pull my wrist away from him.

“A friend who should’ve been paying more attention to you and what you were going through. I thought the best place for me to be in politics as our old friend Evander suggested I should because that’s the place I did the best in, but now I know I only did good because I had his backing in every decision I made.”

“He was manipulative as he was sweet.”

“You’re right and I should asked more questions about his motives. I blame myself for allowing him to put the world under his dream reality and for you trying to do the same and putting humanity under this curse. You’ve been an invaluable friend of my family for generations and I should’ve done more for you and the Church.”

“Jude…”

“Other popes used to be on the frontlines of battle with the people that they led behind them, but all I did was sit on my throne giving orders and telling people what Evander told me to say. Priscilla. Let me make up for what I haven’t done. Let me help you.”

“Jude. You’re just like Dominic. Your attitude, and not just your face, reminds me so much of him.”

“That’s an honor to hear, but we have to focus on you now.”

For the next few minutes, I confess to Jude my many sins, none of which he bats an eye at or comments on. He simply reminds me of God’s mercy that we are all unworthy of having and that we can still obtain Heaven no matter how many sins we commit as long as we keep asking and running to His mercy.

After absolving me, he says, “Your penance is service to the Church. You’re coming with me and the rest of my soldiers to wherever we’re needed.”

“You’re just giving me this penance because you want me with you,” I say annoyedly.

Jude holds up his hand.

“You were told to follow God’s will and this is your prescribed penance, so you must do it.”

“Fine.”

“It’s going to be okay,” Jude says as he hugs me. “I’m here for you and will help us make up for both of our mistakes.”

He blames himself too much for what happened. It’s no wonder why the devil snake on his shoulder has his face. I follow Jude back to the village. After making sure everything is okay, the villagers offer to feed and give Jude and the soldiers of the Church a place to rest for the night, which they accept. We eat their homecooked meals and then stay in an inn. Since Jude thinks that I might leave him while they sleep, I share a two-bed bedroom with him.

While sleeping, I dream of Dominic, the two dream children I had with him, and the farm we had in the dream reality. We have a nice, fun, and relaxing day together, caring for the farm, playing hide-and-seek with the kids, and telling them stories of our time in the Church’s army. After eating dinner and telling the children fairy tales to put them to sleep, Dominic and I lay in our bed together. Our kiss goodnight becomes a series of kisses and then many passionate kisses as I lay on top of him and start to take his and my clothes off ready and eager to have more children.

“Wake up, Priscilla,” Dominic says.

My sense of reality returns to me and reminds me that none of this is real and is just a dream. Still, my mind clings to and fights against me as I try to wake up. When I do, I see that I’m sitting on top of Jude who is sleeping. Even though I’m awake and see what I’m doing, I can’t help but lean down and kiss Jude on the lips. Seeing that he hasn’t been awakened by my kiss and how sweet the first kiss tasted, I’m tempted to give him more kisses and do even more things to him.

“He’s yours,” a demon says in my voice.

“Dominic was given to his wife, Persephone, so this descendent is your second chance.”

“Blessed be God for this gift.”

I feel my body physically shake and sweat as I struggle to pray and resist these temptations. This man hundreds of years younger than me is the descendent of my true love. He’s so sweet, loving, and…no! I shouldn’t do anything else to him! God, help me! God, have mercy on me! The temptation is too great for me to bear. For once, and especially for this time, let me not fall into sin.

What feels like the hand of my guardian angel touches my back and the weight of my temptation falls from my shoulders. I immediately get up and run out of the inn to get fresh air, kiss the ground in thanks and as an act of penance, and start to pray silently to strengthen myself. What I did was a carryover from my time of uncontrolled lust informed by my lingering want for Dominic. I guess I did deserve a man such as Leif, who violated me to no end and gave me my only child whom I killed. Leif was a man whom God redeemed and directly talked to despite his many sins and might’ve been my final husband if I made different choices and didn’t kill him. It’s at this moment that I’m starting to feel thankful that he stopped me from repeating Evander’s mistake.

My eyes focus on the moon as I see something form out of it. I see Leif who looks like an angel with the horns on his head forming a golden halo. His beard is white along with his skin and the robes he is wearing. Part of me is glad to see him while another is still sickened by his very sight.

“I have forgiven you,” Leif says. “In Heaven, I pray for you along with our child, Harald.”

My only son, Harald, appears behind his father. The boy has a bright light coming out of his chest and neck where I cut him. He wears robes like his father and holds his head.

“Mother. I am glad to see you have overcome a great temptation,” Harald says.

I have no words for either person and can only cry as I reach up to Harald who enters my arms.

Finally, I say, “I’m so sorry for what I did to you and all the hateful words I said while you tried to bring me to my senses. I love you, my son. I’m sorry.”

“Do not worry, mother,” my son says with a smile. “Father and I will be with you through all your trials. Be strong and trust God.”

Looking up to Leif, I see him smile.

“I…I forgive you too…Leif. I guess we weren’t so different after all and I deserved the man you were before.”

“No, you deserved better than the scum that I was, but that was the past. Now, I am the man you deserved and will be with you through all your struggles, as our son said.”

Leif embraces me and Harald. For a moment, I feel as if I finally got what I wanted in life, one happy family, but of course, the moment is short-lived as both Leif and Harald disappear as quickly as they appear. I’m not as disappointed about it as I thought I would be. I only feel slightly hollow inside and wish that the embrace would last a bit longer. As I stand up, I see Jude stepping outside of the inn and looking around before running and calling out to me. I explain to him why I had to step out and what had just happened.

“This is why I left you,” I continue. “I’m a danger to you and myself.”

“All I hear is that I need your help even more,” Jude says.

“Stop acting like everything wrong with the world is because of you. Do I need to point out why your demon has your face on it?”

“No. I know I blame myself too much sometimes, but this is not one of those times. If I really am a near occasion of sin for you, your eye would be popping out of its socket and you’d have your hands all over me. I’m not the real object of your desire. The image of my blessed ancestor on my face and personality is and you seem to be controlling yourself well.”

“For now I am. God only knows when my temptations will arise again.”

The crimson mist from before descends upon the village quicker than it did last time.

From it, a voice says, “His Holiness is correct. Though you may be a danger to him, he is the one that God wants with you on your journey. Because you have shown forgiveness to the man who wronged you and self-control in the face of overwhelming temptation, I will transport you to where you must go next.”

When the crimson mist fades away, Jude and I find ourselves in a completely different place. This looks to be somewhere in the Far East given how angular the buildings look and it appears to be morning.

“What about the soldiers that I led? Shouldn’t they come with us?” Jude asks.

“They’ll find their way to where God needs them to be. In today’s world, one man’s strong faith can overcome the hordes of Hell,” the voice in the mist says before it completely fades away.

“I guess there’s nothing more that can be done and we should just move on.”

“Now you have a better idea of how I feel when God keeps shaking up my world.”

“I’m not upset. Just…”

“Disappointed? Unsure of yourself and what to do next?”

“Yes, but I try to keep expectations out of my head. They are a poison to happiness. Let us see why God has brought us out here.”

Jude and I enter the Eastern city, the citizens of which are excited to see him. It isn’t long before we are brought to the city’s officials who already have a banquet of food and drinks ready for us at their castle in the city's center. After eating and exchanging pleasantries, we explain how we got here and why.

One of the city's leaders says, “Well, I hope you enjoy your stay here and stay as long as you can. We don’t see you here on this side of the world, Your Holiness.”

“That is something I am now trying to correct. Many of my predecessors spent more time out in the world rather than stuck in the halls of debates and discussions. They were especially out on the frontlines with their soldiers, and since we are at war with demons, I thought there was no better time to be out on the field than now. Speaking of which, where are we in particular.”

“You are in the kingdom of Phasianus and we call this city the Sea Dome because this city is a fortress for the many sea-based operations of our kingdom.”

“Interesting. How have you been dealing with the demonic threat here?”

“Pretty well as far as you can see. There are hardly many people on our streets who are suffering the effects of their demons. You’ll find nothing but the most faithful of your servants here.”

Looking over at me, Jude locks eyes with me and communicates a thought without words. I do think it’s strange that this place hardly has anyone with clear demonic mutations. Everything in this part of the world seems to be operating like normal as if nothing out of the ordinary is happening at all.

“God bless you if that is the case. My assistant and I must be going then. Thank you for your warm welcome and our lovely conversation.”

“Don’t you want to stay a bit longer? There may be something here that God wants you to find.”

“Perhaps. We’ll take a tour then by ourselves.”

The city’s leaders seem to be okay with this answer and allow us to leave on our own. While this is happening, I hear Jude’s whispers and see him clutching his rosary beads in his pocket. Once we leave the castle, he leads me towards the city’s port.

“What do you think is going on?” I quietly ask.

“I don’t know, but something is wrong. This place is too perfect. Though there may be people suffering from demonic possession here and there, most places need penitents on every street corner to get a fraction of the same result, but no one here is openly praying. They’re just going about their daily activities like usual,” Jude says while thumbing through his rosary.

I start praying as well, and by the time we reach the ports, we find it heavily guarded by the city’s protectors.

“Do we need to head out to sea?” I ask.

“I feel that is where God is leading me. You saw that the city’s gates are more heavily guarded than this, so this is our best way out of here,” Jude says.

“What should we do then?”

“I don’t know. Right now, I’m thinking that I should attract all their attention while you head out on your own.”

“What happened to us traveling together?”

“It’s you who must free the world from the curse. Maybe this is where I play my part and we go our separate ways.”

“No. If there’s something wrong with this city, then I’m not leaving you to face it alone.”

“Heh, what happened to you being a danger to me and wanting to travel on your own?”

“Shut up. The man in the crimson mist said you’re supposed to be with me.”

Plus, I don’t want to admit I feel a need to make up for what I did to him.

“True, but still. I don’t know why I want to leave you despite my need to protect you being validated. I don’t even feel like praying anymore or going anywhere. It’s a strange peace that feels like it’s lying to me. The only time one should stop formally praying is when someone should offer up their daily activities and rest as prayers, but I don’t even feel like substituting it.”

As I continue to pray, I notice the sun is getting brighter. I can’t help but look up to it as if my eyes are being drawn to something in it. That something ends up being someone, an old friend, Evander who doesn’t have his high elf appearance anymore, and yet, seems to be more golden than before and looks angelic like Leif did with his wings, halo, and flowing robes.

“Jude,” I say as I tug on his sleeve to draw his attention to what I’m seeing.

Thankfully, Jude sees the same thing. With a surprised look on his face, he says, “Evander…”

“Hello, my friends,” Evander says.

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

“I’m here to lend my intercession so you may escape from here. This city is currently under a demonic spell as I’m sure you’ve recognized, one that stops them from performing meaningful acts of prayer and penance. In return, these people enjoy peace and escape the tortures of the forces of Hell. The poor fools hardly know they’re under a spell.”

“It’s like the dream reality we put the world under.”

“Yes, as if I needed a reminder of one of our greatest shame. The dream reality could’ve been used on an individual basis to convert those who were furthest from God and become men like the one who broke the dream reality. Now, that magic is lost until God wills someone to have it.”

“Evander, I’m sorry for not being a better friend to you and stopping you from committing one of our greatest sins. I wanted to justify it as much as you did.”

“I should be the sorrier one. It is me who put the world under the dream reality and taught you how to use it for yourself. I am especially sorry for not being able to give you children in more ways than one, but now is not the time for such sorrows. That is long in the past and I have suffered long in Purgatory before being able to make it to Heaven. Allow me to continue to intercede for you by helping you to escape this city. You can walk by the guards and they won’t stop you from leaving.”

Jude and I thank Evander, and sure enough, we’re able to leave the city on a boat with minimal notice other than the people who say hi to Jude and bow to him in honor of his papacy.

With the city behind us, Jude asks me, “If you don’t mind me asking, what did Evander mean by not being able to give you children in more ways than one?”

“I’d rather not specify,” I say.

It was a short-lived romance between us, born of desperation for love, and one that we confessed and did penance for in private. I guess I was guilty of the sin of lust far before I gave into it more with Leif, probably ever since I wanted to be with Dominic.

“I knew something was going on between you two, but I’ll stop talking about it. It’s far in the past anyway.”

My suspicions of Jude knowing about it are true then.

“Thank you.”

As Jude and I operate the ship and sail it into the sea, my heart feels even lighter now that forgiven and talked to Evander in addition to Leif, two men that I thought I’d never forgive or appreciate talking to again.

Clawing Back to Heaven: Chapter 1 – Bitter Path of Redemption

Chapter 1 – Bitter Path of Redemption

“It’s useless to continue. Look at what you’ve done,” a voice that uses my own whispers in my head.

Around me, I see many people suffering as their demons manifest themselves from their bodies in grotesque and painful ways. One man has his eyes popping out of his skull looking around while uncontrollably frothing at the mouth and more eyes and mouths form in his body to do the same so they can stare with lust at everyone. Dozens of spider-like pincers stab out of a woman’s body and head and cut at her skin. A man is leaking and secreting fluids and waste from his body while he constantly eats and drinks. A mother and father are hit in the back of the head by another version of themselves that is coming out of their backs, a torture shared by their children.

“There’s no coming back from this. Remember what He took from you.”

My clothes change into that of a simple farmer with a long dress and shawl. I turn my head and see my love, Dominic, and two children, a boy and a girl, both of whom have our likeness. Part of me wants to feel happy and give in to the dream in front of me, but this happiness is an empty one and won’t make anything better. Taking out my blessed sword, I say my prayers of humility while cutting at the demon that has grown out of my head. With it off, my eyes open and see that I’m back at my camp back in reality.

I look into the nearby lake I’ve camped near and at my face. My face bears the corruption of my sins again: my right eye is black and light gold while the other is white and light gold, my hair is white, black, and red, and half of my teeth are normal while the other half are animalistic and sharp. If I cut this off like I did with the demon, I would. Actually, I’d rather just cut off my head and be done with this journey of mine, but I can’t. Not only because the curse I put on the world prevents people from dying, but also because it wouldn’t be the right thing to do.

The right thing to do has been a curse on me for the hundreds of years I’ve been living. It forces me to get up every time I want to give up, hasn’t given me any lasting happiness, and doesn’t give me the life I want. I tried bending the world to my will to get what I wanted three times and every time God humbled me. Now, I’m finally starting to do the penance that I’m supposed to no matter how much I don’t want to. Even though I may be damned for all eternity, suffer in Purgatory, or live however many hundreds of years until the end of time, I continue my journey and try to do the right thing.

I have chosen to walk this road alone with only a blessed shield and sword to defend myself. Since armor doesn’t matter, I wear a simple short black battle dress, a blessed grey and red choker to keep my sins under control, and long black thigh-high boots. In addition, I carry around some food and a flask of water, not because I’ll die of starvation, but because being on the edge of starvation is a good penance to use against demons. Speaking of which, I have to pray them away because of all my depressive thinking. The demons used to give me power and work with me as I cursed the world, but after I repented, they’re working against me and still cursing the world although I’m no longer using my dark magic on it.

At this rate, they’ve probably found someone else to do their dirty work or have enough power to enact their will because of the despair and faithlessness that my curse has caused. I’m always someone else’s tool, even when I think I’m in total control of my life. There’s always something or someone that ruins the plans that I have. This is why I’ve given over total control of my life to God, again. What better choice do I have? At this point, I don’t care if I get the life that I’ve always wanted because down on earth, I wasn’t made to live a happy, fulfilling life. I’m only down here to toil and suffer for God’s purposes.

Once my prayers finish and I eat and drink a bit, I pick myself up once more and continue my wandering. Because my curse is still plaguing humanity and no amount of prayers and penance is doing much to stop it, the Church is searching for a permanent solution. Some have dedicated themselves to being isolated and do nothing but pray and do penance until God tells or shows us what to do while others search the world for one. I am one of those who are searching the world for an answer but am doing so by myself because I don’t trust myself around anyone, especially around the descendent of Dominic who is the Pope. I don’t deserve any kind of friendship with anyone anyway.

Once all of this is done and I’m still somehow alive, I plan to isolate myself, somewhere in the world, never to see anyone again besides the odd wanderer here and there. I’m tired of dealing with the world, trying to fix the endless suffering in it, and failing to make a difference, and sometimes like now, making things worse. No! I can’t keep feeling bad about myself. It keeps making my demons manifest on my body. Come on, Priscilla. Keep your mind on what you’re supposed to do for once.

Today, in my wandering, I come across a village of suffering people. The Church’s penitents who wander the world are already here helping some of the people, and since God has led me here today, I have decided to help as well. Those who I help thank me, some try to give me gifts. I don’t accept anything and just walk away without saying a word as I help one person after another. This village is a place I would’ve wanted to retire in and its people live simple, humble lives, something I wanted for myself.

“He gave it to them rather than to you,” a demon whispers in my head with my voice.

“They don’t deserve it, but you do.”

“Hate Him. Curse Him. We can give you the life you deserve.”

To counter their whispers, I silently ask God to bless these people. It’s been my way of holding back my jealousy when seeing happy families and people with lives that I would want to live. Thankfully, my prayers work as they always do until a little girl comes up to me with a rose as thanks for helping her family. The look of her reminds me of a daughter I see in my dreams. Her gentle smile makes me want to cry and have her as my own.

“She can be yours,” a demon says in my voice.

“Take her away. You can protect her better than her parents can.”

“Her parents don’t deserve such a sweet daughter. Look over at them,” the demon says as my head forcefully looks at the girl’s parents. “Their demons are still on their bodies despite the prayers you did for them. They’re more of a danger to her than you.”

I give the girl her rose back, thank her, and then walk as fast as I can away. Thankfully, she doesn’t come after me and seems to think I was acting weird. Speaking about weirdness, I don’t see why God would lead me here if the situation of helping people with their demons is mostly under control. Sure enough, my wondering is answered as a charging group of possessed men and women charge at the village and start attacking everyone. I’m not sure if these people are merely puppets being used by their demons or cultists being aided by their demons, but the distinction, if any, doesn’t matter as I draw my sword, take my shield from my back, and enter the fight.

Unlike most fights where people die, this one is fought to either keep or break one’s faith since no one is capable of dying. The demons use the pain inflicted on their hosts and the people they attack to make people fall to their sins and new ones while the faithful use blessed weapons and magic to exorcise and use the pain they take as penance for themselves, the world, and those in Purgatory. This is all a battle of outlasting the other side and whether or not the faithful can outlast the pain done to them or if the demons can make them fall. I hardly see a purpose to any of the fighting as it’s all a matter of God’s will and how long He wants the battle to go on. Some penitent soldiers simply pray and take the pain done to them as penance so that God can end the battle quicker, which has worked in some instances that I’ve seen.

Even if everyone here falls to their sins, they still have the chance of repenting and starting over again. It’s not like they’re going to die and be damned for losing faith anytime soon anyway. The battle drags on for minutes more than I’d like and my hopes for it to end soon are answered as a crimson fog overtakes the village. The possessed who attacked the village are bludgeoned and taken into the fog by unknown men in masks and crimson and black armor. The crimson fog and masked men are from Onocrotalus, a mysterious kingdom where each person is born with stigmata.

I’ve never had much personal contact with the people from there and have only seen them seldom with the old allies I had such as Evander, who was the oldest man alive and king of the elves. The men of Onocrotalus have never really involved themselves with worldly affairs and show up here and there where God wills, or so they claimed. One of the men in the mist steps out and approaches me. His penitential mask is that of a smiling devil with broken horns whose skin is sagging and colored dark red and green. He wears the usual black and red armor of a man from his kingdom and wields a mace with spikes all over it.

“Rejoice, Priscilla. God has given you a more personal way of ending the curse you put on humanity,” the man says.

I’m probably not going to rejoice at this news.

“What do I have to do?” I ask.

“Embrace the part of the cross that God has for you. You are going to do this by piercing your skin with the wood of the true cross that is found in Onocrotalus.”

“Am I coming with you then?”

“Not yet. You must further purify your soul if you want to enter Onocrotalus. Continue to follow God’s will and you’ll soon reach it.”

As the man and crimson mist disappear, I tell the man to wait to no avail. Of course, God would give me a solution to my problems and refuse to give it to me unless I do more. When will what I do and sacrifice ever be enough to gain even a sliver of His favor?

“You can never do enough,” a demon says in my voice.

“He’s teasing you. Torturing you, as always. This solution He offers you is false.”

“There is no way to break the curse.”

I hardly have to pray for the demons to go away, which I think is strange at first until I see who is approaching the village. A small army led by Pope Jude the Third arrives on horseback to the village and surveys the area. Jude gets off his horse and walks to me. Oh, great. As if this couldn’t get any more annoying.

My 284th book is done and out today!

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For hundreds of years, Priscilla has been struggling to serve God as best as she can, but because she hasn't been given the life and happiness she wanted, she turns on God and curses humanity by having their demons manifest from their bodies. Even though she is prepared to go to Hell with the rest of humanity, God still tries to save her through His servants such as an old friend who she loved.

Revoker of Grace: Chapter 4 – Saved from Suicide

Chapter 4 – Saved from Suicide

It hardly takes me any time to make it to Vatican City and once I make it there, many people easily fall to my spell, especially the priests, bishops, and cardinals. I should’ve known since most of the people in the Church are faithless and treat their beliefs like just another part of their lives rather than the primary part of it. This part of the world is stuck in an eternal night and my powers are making it even darker as the moon and stars are completely blocked from the sky. The only light that remains in the city are the candlelit lampposts and the fires caused by the chaos I’ve started. Ah, now this feels right! Everything is going according to plan again as the demons sing while the city screams and uselessly cries out to God and increases the reach of my power into the rest of the European region.

Because everyone is dealing with their demons, I am able to freely walk into the main cathedral, facing no resistance. I search the halls of the Vatican, calling out to Jude to face me while hoping that he’s already writhing in pain. Fortunately or not, I find him praying at the altar to relieve himself and everyone else of their pain. At the same time, he has crimson talons for arms that shake in pain and anger, a singular red wing is coming out of his back along with a horned snake that is giving him a dirty look and snarling at him. Despite his malformations and the racial mixing with a high elf, he still has Dominic’s features on his face, the scar over his right eye that’s little more than a birthmark, green eyes, and brown hair make him look nearly identical to his ancestor.

Jude turns around to me with a somewhat disappointed look on his face and says, “Tell me what pains you, Priscilla. Allow me to help you so we can end this curse you’ve inflicted on everyone.”

I almost forgot that Jude also has Dominic’s tone of voice though that could just be my imagination or his ancestor interceding for him.

“I have nothing to tell you,” I say.

“We’ve known and worked together for so long. Tell me the suffering you’ve been hiding from me.”

“I haven’t been hiding anything from you. If you’ve truly known me for so long, then you’d have some idea as to why I’m doing this.”

“I know you’ve done and suffered so much for God and the Church for hundreds of years. You’ve had many husbands, none of which were able to give you any children, but that wouldn’t be enough to break someone like you down.”

“Haha, well, it has. I’m tired of it all and I’m especially tired of not getting what I deserve to make me happy. What you saw in me was just a façade that hid my true feelings. I didn’t help Evander bring his dream reality because I was unaware of his true intentions nor did I try bringing about my own dream reality because I thought it was God truly wanted. I did both for my own sake and my time in prison made me realize that and that God has abandoned me. I’ve outlived my usefulness and refuse to be his puppet any longer. Now, I will make sure that when he comes again, he will not find anyone faithful on earth and will have to damn everyone on it, including me.”

Jude’s eyes narrow on me.

“You don’t really want this. I know you don’t.”

“I don’t, but there’s nothing better for me to do to get back at God. Now, stop talking and suffer for me, will you? Lose your faith and recognize that God has abandoned you just as he abandoned me!”

I use the suffering around me to increase my power and further burden Jude to break him down. Perhaps when he’s broken down, I can have my way with him since I couldn’t be with Dominic. We can both enjoy ourselves until the day of our damnation.

“Priscilla…” Jude says as he struggles to stand. “Please…”

“Yes, beg for your life! Let me hear you cry and scream in sweet agony!”

“Please…it’s not too late to stop. I know you’re better than this…”

“Shut up!”

“Let me help you…”

The demons help me concentrate even more power on Jude. He is now profusely bleeding a torrent of blood that won’t stop flowing from his body. He’s holding back his screams and when he does, it’s music to my ears, but something is off. The bastard is using his suffering as penance for his sins and mine while praying for the world and me. Dominic and Harald appear behind Jude with their hands on his back.

“Mother, I’m here for you,” Harald says.

“Priscilla, be the hero I thought you were and still are inside,” Dominic says.

I can feel something inside me fighting against myself. Before I know it, my skin starts coming apart and a second me tries coming out of my body. It rips and tears away, trying to break free while reminding me of my old self and profusely apologizing for everything I’ve done. Eventually, it breaks free, leaving behind the corrupted shell I once was that flies away carried by the wind. I’m now back to my normal self with black and red hair and my body doesn’t have a single cursed marking on it.

Jude’s demons recede from his body. He takes off his long papal cloak and covers my nakedness with it. With a smile on his face, he hugs me and starts to cry.

“Welcome back, Priscilla,” he says.

My mind feels blank as if I’m in a trance. I don’t know what to say, think, or feel anymore. Looking behind me, I see that people are still struggling with their demons with few of them managing to recover.

“The curse isn’t gone yet despite me not casting it anymore,” I manage to say.

“That’s fine. We know how to break it and with your help, we can help everyone-”

I quickly grab a dagger on a soldier’s belt and look at it.

“Priscilla?” Jude says with a hand reaching out to me. “What are you doing?”

“I don’t deserve to live because of what I’ve done. I deserve damnation and to suffer until the end of time for this curse that I’ve put on the world,” I say before cutting my neck and stabbing my chest while crying in a vain attempt to kill myself.

Jude struggles to get the dagger out of my hand. After he does and I try to get it back, he holds me as I cry in his arms and fall to the ground. Demons with my face start popping out of my body and head and start stabbing me with bone-like daggers and telling me how I should kill myself and that I deserve Hell. Jude counters them by praying and using the pain inflicted on him against them. Eventually, they disappear, but their whispers still ring through my ears.

“It’s okay,” Jude says as he holds me tightly. “It’s okay. We can fix this. You indeed deserve punishment for what you’ve done, but God has mercy on you, just as He has mercy on a worthless sinner like me. As long as you live, it isn’t too late to make reparations for your sins.”

I know what he says is true. I know I should appreciate the fact that my defeat has woken me up from my senses, but I don’t want to. Part of me still wants to continue my spiteful quest despite knowing it to be wrong or just keep stabbing myself until I die, however, my heart and conscious tell me to keep going, that it’s not too late to be redeemed. I’ve known for a while that the happiness and life I want are unobtainable, but that didn’t help bear the pain of that truth. All I can do now is thank God for waking me up, pick myself up, hope that I don’t fall to sin again and do my penance despite how bitter this blessing may be.

 

The End

Revoker of Grace: Chapter 3 – Daughter of Satan

Chapter 3 – Daughter of Satan

Where are they? Where are the remaining faithful of God?! I’ve been hunting them these last couple of days while hardly paying attention to the unfaithful and uncaring. It is only the faithful who threaten my plans and slow them down. God has been spiteful to me before, but he’s being more spiteful than usual. Despite my power covering each inch of the Americas, spreading to the fishmen of the Pacific and Atlantic, and starting to take root on the other side of the world, there are faithful who escape my grasp, break my spell over them, and work to help others and make them do the same.

Even the faithful at the secluded convent I’m at continue to resist me and refuse to lose their faith despite some of their friends having already given into despair. It is the suffering and prayers of people like these that weaken my power and inspire others to keep the faith and bring back some from having lost it. One of the nuns has sharp wood coming out of her and a brown snake with horns coming out of her throat while a priest has a mutated green body with a huge face in the center of his chest and a horn coming out of each of his hands. Both are guilty of heinous sins, and yet, both are thorns in my side and work against me somehow even as I increase their mutations and suffering. No, I can’t let them take all my attention when other pockets of resistance need stomping out.

I need to do something to make sure these weeds stay dead and stop popping up. The demons have increased their whispering and complaining. They only allow me moments to rest and recuperate until they start whispering, reminding me of my hatred of God, and kicking my senses to get me moving. The mutual relationship we have with one another is of hatred of God and both of us know that I’m the one losing the most out of our arrangement. All I get is the satisfaction of having upset God while they get the souls of many falling into Hell. In that regard, we are the same in this foolish task, but it is one that we carry out for the thrill and satisfaction of the moment.

I teleport instantly to a place I’ve already been, a town known for supplying the Americas with food, water, clothes, weapons, armor, and other commodities. A place that feels like another spit in my face from God and a reminder of what I can’t have. Ahead of me, I see citizens and soldiers with few boils and mutations on them as they work through the suffering inflicted on them by their demons. The demons whisper to me which of them are the most faithful and should be attacked first. Even though it wouldn’t be smart to attack them first, it’s not like I can die in this fight anyway, so I charge ahead screaming in anger at them.

Why did these people receive a greater blessing than I ever could? What makes them different? Why does God love them more than he loved me? The demons whisper to me their every sin and show on their bodies as my curse retakes its hold on their bodies. They tell me why their sins make me no different than me and why I am wiser than them to accept the damnation that I deserve. I know that I am worthless scum and don’t need their reminders. While fighting, I let every attack hit me in the vain hopes that I’ll be killed, and it’s these vain hopes and want to die that increase my power and allow me to keep living. After many of the faithful fall again, the rest start to back away.

“What? Lost the will to fight?” I ask.

No, that doesn’t seem to be the case. Their demons would’ve transformed them into a cowardly form if that was the case. Instead, they’re plotting something. They start praying out loud, a sound that brings pain to my ears and body. I start using my magic on them to stop, and when that doesn’t work, I put their own blades into their mouths and throats to get them to stop them, but this doesn’t work too well either as they offer up their suffering as prayers, which causes me even more pain. Eventually, the demons whisper to me to leave, so I teleport to a safe location in a forest in shame and defeat.

How could this happen? How could I be defeated when my power should be absolute and greater than anything anyone alive has? I’ve been alive for hundreds of years, gathered as much power and knowledge as possible, and I’m still somehow a failure. I expected my spiteful journey to last longer and reach each end of the earth before God did anything about it, but he is spitting in my face and denying me what I desire yet again. At least I know I’m really getting on his nerves now if he’s trying to put a stop to my plans this early in it.

There’s no time to rest now. I’ve got to accelerate the reach of my magic and make more people fall if I want everyone in the world to feel the effects of my curse. I’m not done yet. I won’t be stopped so easily! I know you hear me, “Lord”. You’ll regret the day that you allowed me to be brought into existence.

Listening in on the whispers of the demons, I focus on the next target they bring my attention to. There’s a group of the faithful who are converting the non-believers to believe, pray, and do penance as they do. Evangelists like them must be having an easier time to convert than most seeing as how the one true faith is the only one that can counter my spells, so I must stop them immediately. When I arrive at their location, I find that a few of the non-believers are already praying like the faithful while the rest are either listening to what they’re being taught or still struggling with their demons that are slowly but surely being weakened by the prayers and penance of the faithful. Speaking of them, my eyes center on one of the faithful, the woman who reminded me of myself that I saw not too long ago.

The sight of her causes me to scream out in anger and focus all my attention on her. I don’t care that everyone else around me is cutting, stabbing, bludgeoning, and hitting me with their different kinds of magic. I want her to suffer first and the most out of everyone here.

“Why are you cursing everyone?” she asks me.

“Because God owes me for everything he did to me. Every work I did for him and the suffering I had to go through was in vain! He didn’t give me the happiness that I deserve!” I say.

“You said to me that we don’t deserve what we want and you’re right. We only get what God gives us, but that should be enough for us. Trust me when I say that the love of God is the ultimate reward even if we have to suffer our entire lives to seemingly no end.”

“Shut up! You don’t know what you’re talking about, girl. I’ve lived hundreds of years and know that what you say isn’t true because of it.”

The woman’s fighting capabilities have improved since we last met, but she can’t resist the effects of my spell for long as her demons eventually overcome her and make her drown in alcohol again. I laugh as it happens and then start stabbing with her own weapon. It’s now that I also get the idea of violating her after I deal with everyone else around me so she suffers from demons of lust as well. This is going to be easier said than done as her allies start praying and offering their pain to weaken me and relieve the woman of the effects of my spell. Once free from it, she grabs my hands and looks at me with a gentle expression that gives me pause.

“I forgive you,” she says.

“What?” I say.

“I know you’re hurting and why, so I forgive you. Let me help you deal with your pain.”

My old appearance flashes in my mind over the woman’s face as she reminds me of myself again, this time with her words.

“Huh? You don’t know me or the pain I’ve gone through. You’re drunk. Let me go!”

The prayers of her friends and energy radiating from the woman are weakening my power. I also see Harald and Dominic by my side hugging me with a smile on their faces.

“Please. It’s not too late for you. I can help you deal with what you’re going through.”

Using all my strength, I teleport away to a safe place and immediately fall to the ground, out of breath and defeated once more. Noticing that part of my hair color has changed back to black and parts of my skin are back to its original color causes me to panic and ask the demons to give me their power, a request that they are silent on.

“Mother, I still love you,” the voice of Harald says in my head. “I’m here for you.”

“I’ve never stopped looking over you, Priscilla,” Dominic’s voice echoes. “You’ve always been in my prayers no matter what you’ve done.”

“Shut up, both of you! You’re both liars! You keep appearing and talking to me for a short time and then disappearing! You don’t care about me. You keep doing so because God wants to torture me! Leave me alone!” I say before screaming and then crying.

This can’t keep happening! I have to step up my efforts to stop God’s influence from erasing everything that I’ve done. I need to do something to really increase the suffering and pain in the world and break the faith of the faithful. Ah. I know what to do.

I’ll fly over to the Vatican and cut the head off the Church. Pope Jude the Third will be my next target. I wanted him to be one of my last because I wanted to torture him the most since he’s one of Dominic’s descendants, but it looks like I’ll have to make him an example to the rest of the world. Afterward, I’ll jump from kingdom to kingdom spreading my curse like opening new wounds on a body. It’s not like I have to stay in the Americas to make sure my curse stays here.

The demons agree with my plan, give me their power once again, restoring my corrupted appearance, and allow me to fly faster than ever so I can reach the Vatican as soon as possible and deliver a fatal blow to God and the Church, the idea of which causes me to hysterically laugh.