Bitter Cross, Thankless Love: Story 1 – Over the Pain

I offer up comfort to gain penance

I run from sin to gain grace

I reject myself to embrace love

My life is dedicated to pain so that others may make it to Heaven

The only reward I ask for is a small place in Heaven fit for a beggar. Amen.

-          A prayer of the Mortificationem

Story 1 – Over the Pain

There’s a place in the world that no one can reach by conventional means as it is contained in a different dimension and the only people who can go in are the same people who reside within it. The same people who do penance for the sake of the world so that God does not destroy it because of its sinfulness. After the ultimate sacrifice of God and seeing mankind’s habit to commit evil deeds no matter how much mercy or justice is done to them, a group of people formed themselves together to honor God’s sacrifice and their prayers for pain were answered. Known simply as the Penitent, these people inflict different penances on themselves based on their particular clan. God gave them their penances based on what was agreed so that His justice would not end the world before what was decided.

Clans in the north suffer in freezing cold for man’s thirst for lust, other clans in the south suffer the heat for man’s hatred and desires for violence, and another clan lives off the charity of the other clans who don’t have as much as your average poor person. The clan properly known as the Mortificationem are scarred and cut every single time a crime goes unpunished. More specifically, the crime must be ignored by those who can make reparations for it before those in the clan suffer for it and the crime has to be one done against God rather than against a primarily man-made law. Some think that the Mortificationem suffer the most out of all clans because of the many unpunished crimes and certain ages of humanity, they’re right. A girl from this clan wanders off from it as she is tired of the constant pain.

She stomps the ground beneath her as she walks away from her home as fast as she can. As soon as she bleeds for another unpunished crime, she claws at her skin as if trying to take it off before yelling in anger.

“Why do I have to bleed and be in constant pain every day, every second of my life?!” she says, “I can’t enjoy anything in my life. My family and friends suffer like I do and some even die all for the sinful world that we aren’t even a part of. Why do we have to suffer? Can’t they suffer for their own sins? If there’s so little good in the world, then it should just be destroyed.”

“Willow, Willow, follow my voice to see this world,” a voice calls to her as her attention is drawn to the exit of the penitential dimension.

Willow thinks that this voice was just her imagination as heading towards and through the exit was on her mind, to begin with. She then finds herself in a place with what looks like a strange town to her in the distance. Looking back, she doesn’t see where she came from, and going back doesn’t bring her back where she was. This doesn’t bother her at all, in fact, she feels free. After walking a considerable distance to the town, she notices that she hasn’t been cut nor scarred. This is because the Penitent do not suffer their particular penances outside of their dimension, which is something that Willow is thankful is true.

It is also at this moment that she recognizes that she is naked with nothing to wear and hide her nakedness. As she gets closer to the town, she sees that the town is much more advanced than her own with buildings that pierce the clouds and most of the town being made of metal and concrete. Instead of horses, people ride in metal machines and walk around with machines that produce light and sound and can be used as communication devices. Theirs is the modern world while the Penitent’s is no different than the medieval one. This makes Willow feel jealous of them while also not since no one seems keen enough to help her.

Most people turn away while some take pictures with their devices and have lustful thoughts in their minds that are made manifest on their faces. Though she is visibly injured, scrawny, and average-looking with her brown hair and eyes, she’s still viewed either as easy prey or a pitiable girl who got what she deserved.

“I can see why I suffer so much. These people won’t even ask if I’m okay,” Willow whispers to herself before noticed and quickly taken into a house that’s near to.

She tries to fight back against her captor despite the injuries on her body until the guy who took her in says, “Calm down! I’m trying to help you!”

“You don’t forcefully grab someone you’re trying to help! Let go of me!”

“The police would’ve arrested you or worse people would’ve gotten a hold of you if I didn’t take you in,” the guy says as he lets Willow go and gives her a large coat to wear, “What happened to you? Do you need help?”

Taken off guard by the young man’s honesty, Willow wears the coat given to her and takes a moment before saying, “Food and water.”

“I can do that. Take a seat in the kitchen.”

Willow follows the man and sits in the kitchen as he quickly heats up some of the dinner he just made and gets her something to drink. As she drinks and takes a better look at him, she sees that the man is about her age. He has light brown hair, soft green eyes, and wears a simple dark blue hoodie, black pants, and black work shoes.

“My name is Adriel. What’s yours?”

“Willow.”

“What happened to you?”

“I’ve been doing penances for-” Willow’s words of her home and life get caught in her throat, “So it's true that my throat won’t allow me to disclose my home and the nature of the penances that I do.”

“I don’t know much about penance. I just go to confession and church every week. Do you have a curse on you or something?”

“You could say that. The least I feel that I’m allowed to say is that if the world wasn’t so sinful, I wouldn’t suffer this much. You seem to be the only good person in this town. This just proves my idea that the world should just end.”

“Don’t say that. There are plenty of good people in the world.” Adriel places Willow’s food on the table. “Here, eat up. Maybe a full stomach will make you feel better.”

“I don’t think it-” Willow’s words are cut off by the taste of the food that she doesn’t stop eating until it is all gone.

“You must be really hungry if you ate it all that fast. It’s not like I make the best food.”

“It was delicious! What was that?!”

“Chicken cutlets?”

“I’ve never tasted chicken like this. We only have chicken maybe once every two months or so where I’m from. It’s mostly bread, eggs, and fish.”

“You must come from a poor place if that’s true.”

“You could say that.”

“So, do you feel better now?”

“Yes, but my point still stands. Hey, you said that you don’t know much about penance. Do you not even try to do penance for your sins or the sins of the world?”

“I do whatever penance the priest tells me, give up something on Friday, and in the Easter season, but besides that, I don’t do anything else that I’m not told to. It’s not like it’s expected of me and no one really encourages me to do it. Why should I do penance for other people anyway?”

Willow is both angered and tempered by Adriel’s response since it’s basically the way she thinks.

“I can’t argue with that since I’d rather not suffer any more for anyone else who doesn’t deserve it.”

“Then you can live here for now if you’d like.”

“You’ll take care of me?”

“I don’t see why not. I’m not the richest guy in the city, but I’m also not doing much with my money besides paying bills, buying necessities, and going on the odd vacation here and there.”

“There must be something I can do to repay you. I can clean your house or work some job that you have.”

“When you recover from your injuries, we’ll talk about that. For now, you should rest.”

Willow gets up and hugs Adriel.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now, take a shower and get some rest.”

“What’s a shower?”

After Adriel tells Willow how to take a shower and Willow enjoys her first shower, she sleeps on the couch in Adriel’s house. Willow then dreams of the town of lights that she’s in turn dark then decay into nothing. None are spared including Adriel. In the dark, Willow sees a man with bleeding wounds on his body and a crown of thorns on his head.

“I know who you are. What do you want from me?” she says to him.

“You are being returned home by the Sententia to continue your life of penance.”

“No, stop it! You can’t do this to me! You’re so cruel! Not only will you not let me live a decent life, but you’ll also send these Sententia after me, people who do your will then die shortly after.”

“They know what true love is. You do not.”

“How can you say that I don’t when I’ve suffered all my life for everyone that I’ve loved and people who do not deserve to be suffered for? Why won’t you destroy an evil and corrupt world?”

“Do you want me to destroy Adriel along with it?”

“No, because he’s one of the few good men in it. Don’t you dare touch him!”

“I’m sorry to say, but he has died for his sins.”

“What?! What horrible sins did he commit?! When did he die?”

“He died for his venial sins that he kept going to confession for and not putting any effort into keeping away from. As for his death, he died after leaving his house for work. He was going to make breakfast for you, but you were taken away before then. If you had continued to do penance, he wouldn’t have died.”

“You were the one who allowed him to die! Why did he have to die for simple venial sins?!”

“There is no sin that is simple no matter how small it is. It would be better for the sun to be blotted out from the sky than for one sin to be committed.”

“What is the real cost of sin anyways? What is so evil about it? If you are the truth itself, why not save us the trouble and make sin good or erase it from existence in its entirety?”

“Look upon and touch my wounds at your own risk if you wish to know the answer.”

Willow hastily does so and is met with immediate and immense pain, but this is not the most excruciating part of it. The most excruciating part is seeing the results of sin. Even the smallest sin can lead to greater evils. For example, a man puts aside his duties for a day to rest. He keeps up this habit until he puts aside all his duties even to himself and everyone around him since his rest has become his god. In another case, a woman doesn’t bother to strengthen herself against her tendencies to lose her patience. Because of this, she constantly snaps at even the smallest things and leads to her abusing both her children, friends, and family. Many other examples too many to be counted overwhelm Willow’s head until she wakes up back at her home.

All her wounds are open, and yet, she is not dead nor does she mind the pain. Looking around the room, she sees her family and friends praying for her. When they notice that she’s awake, they thank God and ask where she’s been.

“I…I’m sorry. I ran away because I didn’t want to suffer any more for anyone and didn’t know the cost of sins. I even got a good man killed because of it,” she confesses.

Her loved ones don’t care for her sins since she’s truly repented and is alive. After doing her penance, she fully devotes herself to doing penance for the world especially for the holy suffering souls in Purgatory where Adriel is. The two are occasionally allowed to talk from time to time. Despite this being the general cycle of her life until death, Willow gladly embraces it so that people like Adriel will be saved and given a long life to live.

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Many people think they know who they are, but Renata is a doll that wants to find out who exactly she is and why she should care about what she does in life. She'll travel through the doll factory that she lives in and interact with many people to learn why they live the way they do with some dolls being more strange and dangerous than others.

How to Build Yourself: Chapter 3 – Soul Searching

Chapter 3 – Soul Searching

Huh? I’m alive and I have normal doll arms now. Where am I? I seem to be in some kind of church. Taking a look outside, I see that I’m in the section of the factory that has a lot of churches, libraries, and schools. Here, people come to learn, exchange ideas, and gain converts. This was the next and last destination on my list and I hope it’s not like the last one, but how did I get here? My question is quickly answered by what looks like an angel floating towards me. The closer it gets, the more I see that it’s not an angel but a doll with its body, limbs, and face separated and floating independently as it is kept together with thick wires as if he were a puppet.

“Who are you?” I ask it.

“A doll just like you but free from sin,” it says.

“Why did you save me?”

“Because the slaves of work, politicians, and businessmen were waging another civil war and the works of their hands were breaking down again and I thought people would need saving.”

“They usually fight?”

“They do. Why do you think there are shortages in food and supplies every now and then? Today, the Liberation and Fundamentalist parties fight, but ten years ago it was the Fundamentalist party fighting against the Traditionalists, and tomorrow it can be the Liberation and Free Thinking party fighting. These are nothing more than cycles of old traditions fighting against new traditions while the true old tradition is forgotten.”

“The true old tradition?”

“The true old tradition of putting the law of the Doll Creator above all. Water cannot decide to burn, light cannot decide to darken, and animals cannot decide to be dolls, so why should we try acting like Creators when we should be his faithful servants? The reason why so much destruction happens to us is because we are who we aren’t meant to be. We may have the freedom to decide who we are, but we do not have the right to define what we are and our true purpose in life.”

“I’ve been looking for that answer this whole time! How am I going to find my real purpose in life?”

“Look within and without. The Creator’s law is written within your heart and there are many here within the factory that are devoted to him to show you the way to the purpose you were made for but be wary of charlatans.”

“Like who?”

“You won’t have to look far. Follow me and take a look outside.” I do as it says before it continues, “You already know what happens when dolls chose to write the rules for themselves. They follow the traditions and rules of their family or rebel against them and only follow the rules of the Creator as much as modern morality allows if at all. You can see the many false ideologies that worship the Creator in different ways. Some view him as a distant creator, others view him as approving of everything they do, others as a fearful judge, and others more view him as loving. Which do you think is true based on what you’ve experienced? Why do you think people act the way they do based on their beliefs?”

I think about it for a few seconds before saying that, “I think people act out of love mostly for themselves and what they believe to be the truth. Because of this, I believe the Creator to be a loving one.”

“Correct and what is the greatest way to love?”

Thinking again for a bit and thinking about everything I’ve gone through; I think I know the answer. I’ve been going around the factory looking for answers to change the way I live and think and everyone along the way has tried to change me as well, so the answer seems obvious.

I answer, “To sacrifice especially sacrificing the way we think and live so that our lives are lived according to the truth rather than what we want to be true.”

“Correct though I would add more to what you said.”

“But what is my role in all of this?”

“Your heart seems pure. Tell me, what does it ask you to do?”

“Love my friends, family, and everyone I come across, and live my life as the Creator wants me to and take over my father’s job of creating and designing tools.”

“You’re missing one last part for it to be perfect and that is to be perfect.”

“I can try to be the perfect doll that I’m supposed to be, but I’ll probably make a mistake here and there.”

“You can be perfect now if you act and change your body like I do.”

Is this just what everyone says? I feel like everyone I’ve come across for the truth has said something like this.

“Why did you give me arms if you wanted me to change my arms to wings like yours?”

“Because the sacrifice of love would be properly made then.”

“But how would I be perfect?”

“Because if we become who we’re meant to and act like how we’re supposed to, then we will live among the angels. It is only through the Creator’s help that we can do this. Once you are fervent in prayer and penance, you will be as perfect as I am, I who suffer daily in this form and use every action, every thought that I have as an act of prayer and sacrifice.”

How am I going to get out of this without being chased and cornered again? Hmm. My thinking leads me outside where people who like demons, angels, clergy, and other religiously dressed people approach us and excuse the person I am with.

“You sorry excuse for an angel,” one of them says, “You keep to yourself in that wreck of a church then go out to kidnap people to convert to your ideology!”

I don’t know if what they say is true, but I use the chaos to slip away even as some of the other religious try to convert me. This makes me wish I had my gear arm so I could get out of here faster rather than having to walk all the way back home. When I make it home, my parents look at me as if I just got out of war since they’re surprised to see normal arms and legs on me.

“I’m home, mom and dad, and I’ve learned a lot,” I say before telling them what I went through and what I learned, which doesn’t help their expression much.

They expected me to play it safe and come home the same way I was, but I’m different now. Now, I know what I’m supposed to do. I, Renata, will be a tool innovator that will allow dolls to contain tools within their bodies while not being tools themselves. I convince my dad to focus less on work and more on spending time with us by using the recent revolution that happened in the industrialized section as my evidence for doing so. I then convince my mom to not look in every direction for goodness and use what has happened to me for my reasoning. My parents are easily convinced since their way of thinking is so open minded and because of how I’ve changed because of my journey.

Over the past few days, my dad and I come up with the design I want and many dolls begin to look more like how they’re supposed to while also working the job they’re meant to. I want everyone to live the life they were meant to live and do so in a happy and right manner. We may all have our ideas of right and wrong, but the truth is that there’s only one true way to view everything. Every day, I work, pray, love, and enjoy everything I do in the right way according to what the Creator says to do and what other faithful suggest. I may fall, make mistakes, and even listen to the wrong influences, but I try and try again to live my life right and build myself in the right way. We all eventually settle into an ideology and way of thinking that rejects other ways of living. As far as I know, we should make sure that it’s the right way of thinking that’s not influenced by our own biases because if we do, we make ourselves the creators of our own destruction.

The End

How to Build Yourself: Chapter 2 – More Machine than Doll

Chapter 2 – More Machine than Doll

My wandering leads me to the most industrialized section of the factory. Here, materials are made, food is farmed, and water is taken from the ground. Light is harvested from the lights above from machines that extract it by sucking it out. The water underneath is taken in a similar way except the water is extracted through pumps. It is said there is an entire ocean of water under the factory and some even say that the factory is surrounded by water or deep underwater. Where they get this idea from is more of a mystery to me than what’s actually outside the factory.

People here work day in and out and when they aren’t working, they’re buying goods, spending money on whatever hobbies they have, and trying to get as much rest as they can. I thought the gear arm that most people have looked a bit unnatural, but these people look even more unnatural since they have more tools in their body than limbs. Some even contain the faces and limbs of their family and friends who continue to work as one living doll even after their normal body discomposed. It’s a strange invention of this place that few take advantage of and it makes sense why since why would you want to share your body with dozens of generations of your family. We are meant to live and die and no amount of innovations can change that.

It’s a strange wonder seeing long strings of families moving through the streets and being spread across certain parts of the wall and ceiling like snakes. Even the largest strings of family bodies eventually break since the bodies of dolls were not meant to be combined so many times and the lives of the youngest members are cut short. Speaking of that, the innovations here have their ups and downs. One of these downs is the newer machines cannot be easily broken down or dug into the ground to rot. Because of this, people have altered their bodies to be able to process the waste as if it were food. Typically, the lowest class of worker here have that role and are paid generously for it though it doesn’t seem to be worth it as those who eat the waste appear sick and tired. It’s even worse for the infants who are fed artificial glass at a young age to get them used to it.

What seems like a whisper over my shoulder begs me to do something as I hear these infants cry out as they are force fed the same trash their parents live on. Watching it is grueling, but I can’t help but watch as if an invisible force is forcing me to watch. I’m about to do something until a doll in a suit steps in front of me. He has many needles in him that are pumping some kind of liquid in him.

“It’s a shame to watch, I know. The policies inflicted upon us by the Liberation party are severe and unnatural. The people who associate with them are traitors of everyone in this factory,” the man says.

“The Liberation party? Isn’t that a political party?” I ask.

“Yes, it is. You must be new around here. What’s your name?”

“Renata.”

“My name is Diesel named so because I am the fuel that keeps my loved ones going. What brings you to our honest working part of the factory?”

“I’m searching for my purpose in life.”

“That’s a noble goal. Here, we give our young their purpose in life and the truths for doing so. Through hard work and dedication to their loved ones and neighbors, they become the people they’re meant to be.”

“Can I find my purpose here too as well?”

“Of course you can. I saw that you were going to do something to that parent who was feeding their child glass.”

“I didn’t know what I was going to do. I just want it to stop.”

“Stopping it here won’t stop it happening in the rest of the factory. We have to stop it by cutting off the root cause. Follow me.”

Diesel leads me to a restaurant where people seem to be arguing. The waiters appear to be wearing masks that make them look happy as they move around by the gears in the ceiling. I guess you don’t need to move around on your own when you don’t have legs but it’s still strange to see and makes me thankful that I have legs now and don’t need to rely on the gears in the walls and ceilings to get around anymore. Wait, did Diesel take me here to hear the arguments or to argue with me?

“What are we doing here?” I ask him.

“To listen to other people’s arguments and hear what they need to say, so perk up your ears and listen. Let’s try to stay out of sight or you might get caught up in the arguments.”

Listening in to the conversations, I hear people talk about policies that concern individuals, companies, and politics. There are a lot of people who are arguing for and against traditional policies with few people trying to reach a compromise. I was never one to listen to political talks since a doll like me doesn’t have much if any influence on what goes on in the factory. The Doll Factory Creator gets brought up every now and then though not in the ways that I’m familiar with. I’ve heard of people using their beliefs in truth and him as an excuse for their actions even if they go against the Creator’s designs and it’s pretty common here.

“What do you think?” Diesel asks.

“I think I’ll never get into politics,” I answer.

“You should if you want to help everyone around you by being involved in your community and gathering them together to implement the policies and practices you want.”

“I’m just a simple tool maker and don’t think I’ll be anything else. I may get involved so I know what’s going on and what I should do, but I’m not interested beyond that.”

“Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you because the Liberation party will-”

“Hey! There’s Diesel!” someone from the restaurant says as we’re found in our hiding spot.

A crowd starts gathering around Diesel with his supporters and contenders being among them. An argument breaks out as it’s revealed to me that Diesel is in the running for leader of this section of the factory. This doesn’t look like a situation I should be in, but I could still learn something from it so I keep my distance. The crowd suddenly quiets when a doll I cannot see enters the center of the action where Diesel is.

“It’s you, son,” I can hear Diesel say.

“You don’t have the right to call me that. I am not your son.”

“Of course you are even though you’ve betrayed me.”

“You betrayed me as a father. Look at me! Look at my face, my neck, and my stomach! Look at what you’ve done to me because of all the glass and waste that you fed me.”

“It was necessary for our survival!”

“For your financial survival because you couldn’t go without your dream house and many expensive trinkets and vacations.”

“You shouldn’t worry about your body because it will soon be a home for the rest of the family.”

“No, I refuse!”

“You’d let generations of our family die?!”

“I refuse to be a puppet of a family of abusers who view me as nothing more than another cog in the machine.”

“You’re not just a cog. You’re a blessed servant of-”

“I don’t want to hear another self-righteous sermon by you! Try actually practicing those beliefs you have rather than forcing others to do it for you.”

“If that’s true, then the sins of the father fall to the son.”

“My followers follow me as you can see, and the example I give has even converted some of your side as well. As the Fundamentalist party falls, the Liberation party rises from its ashes.”

People start to scream and while others flee as a fight breaks out. What happened? Did Diesel’s son kill him? I guess it’s not an answer that’s important right now since this entire area of the factory seems to be at war with itself.

“Hey! She was with Diesel! Get her!” I hear someone say.

This can’t be good. I walk as fast as I can until I’m stopped by the debris of supplies that fell from gear transports above. Before I can try to find a way through it, I’m cornered by dolls whose bodies have shards of glass in their mouth, neck, and stomach.

“There she is!” one of them says.

“I didn’t do anything! I just met that man!” I say.

“We saw that you were speaking with him. No one with a good conscience would speak with someone so vile.”

They’re going to harm me just because I spoke with him? This reminds me of what Diesel said about traitors associating with the Liberation party. It seems that they think the same of me for the same reason. These two parties are the same and might as well be the same two groups I met in the previous area of the factory. The factory around us begins to fall and falls on top of us of all places. Both of my arms are caught in the debris and pulling them out turns out not to be a good idea as they come off when I do. I’m trapped beneath all this rubble with sharp pieces of metal pierced through my head and body with no way out it feels like this is the end. I’ve heard at times like this that praying to the Creator helps so I do for a while until I start to lose consciousness.

Is this what it feels like to die? I’m sorry, mom and dad, for going on this adventure and getting into trouble with nothing to show for it. My passing out is suddenly awakened by the moving of the debris. Light blinds me as a figure descends from the sky. Is that an angel? I try to reach out to it, but…I can’t stay awake for…much longer…

How to Build Yourself: Chapter 1 – Living as gods

Chapter 1 – Living as gods

The first place that I go to is one where the most doll parts are sold. Here, it is common for a person to be wearing one head one day and a completely different body the next. Many models show off the latest outfits and doll pieces and act as real life mannequins. There are also many who change their appearance to change their identity either due to their change or some wrong they’ve done. This can make this place really shady and dangerous in places since you won't exactly know if a doll is a criminal with a changed appearance.

One of the ways to tell that a doll changed their head is their voice, which will sound warped and their face will move strangely. Changing your head is expensive and I’m not just saying that from hearsay since I’m seeing the prices for them now in the market and they literally cost more than a new set of arms and legs.

“Have you run away from home, little lady?” a shopkeeper asks, “Are you looking to disappear and look for a new life?”

This shopkeeper doesn’t look trustworthy. They have many necks with heads on them. They’re more of a hydra if dolls could be one.

“No, thank you,” I answer before disappearing into the crowd.

Many of the shopkeepers here look weird and the possibility of me finding answers here begins to dim. I don’t like being in this congested crowd with many strange people so I go through a space between the shops to escape. In this space, I find a discarded torso. Dolls can’t live without torsos so this can’t be something that was sold on the market. Perhaps this is…maybe…a dead body? I poke the body and it surprisingly comes to life when touched.

“Woah! Are you okay?” I ask it.

The torso writhes around as its stubs for arms beat its chest until it opens and tries to get my attention to it. Inside is a letter that reads, “If you found me and this letter, then please bring me to the building with the golden horse on it. There I will reward you with whatever body pieces that you want”.

I could use some legs. Though my parents were eventually going to get me a pair at my request, they never thought it necessary. Wait.

“How can you hear what I say despite not having a head? Do you have ears somewhere else on your body?”

The torso bows forward as it points at the paper. Unfolding the paper further reveals more writing that says, “If you’re wondering how I can hear you despite not having ears, then that is a gift I can give you where you are taking me and more if you are interested”. More if I’m interested? Is this an elaborate setup to join a group? It probably is given the people that reside here, but I must know how they think so I can discover myself. A pair of legs would also be nice. It’s going to be difficult to take this person anywhere as I am, so I find a nearby piece of rope that was probably left there on purpose and tie them to my back. That was I can walk with my arms to the building with a golden horse on it.

This appears to be a restaurant that’s called literally the Golden Horse. People also trade and sell doll pieces here as they can come out looking completely different when exiting a room. I bring the torso to a greeter who thanks me for bringing him to her.

“He is always getting into trouble to bring new customers to us. What would you like as your reward for saving him?” she says.

“I’d like a pair of legs, please,” I answer.

“What kind would you like? Strong, durable ones to defend yourself with or ones that would attract the attention of a boy you like?”

“Just a pair of normal legs.”

“Ah, I see! Sometimes the simplest designs are the best. It goes well with your look. I’ll get a good pair of legs for you right away.”

The greeter brings me a pair of legs that already have a black pair of flat shoes. Walking around takes a bit to get used to and a fall on my face a bit before finally getting a grip on it.

“They fit you perfectly,” the greeter says.

“You think so?” I ask.

“Yes, I do.”

Before I know it, a large skinny man comes into the room. He dresses in a golden suit and pants that have flowery patterns in them. His face looks more feminine than masculine because of the makeup on it, which gives me an uneasy feeling.

“So, this is my savior. My name is Ascolto e là. What’s your name?” the man says in a voice that sounds feminine.

“Renata.”

“Thank you for saving me, Renata. You deserve more than a simple pair of legs for such a great deed.”

“What are you offering?”

“Besides, an entirely new body if you wish, I offer you a home here. You’re obviously not from around this area. I would know if you were.”

“Why a home?”

“I offer a home for all the brave souls who wish to make a name for themselves.”

“How do I make a name for myself?”

“By making it yourself through whatever means you deem necessary. We define success for ourselves, what limits we’ll go to achieve our dreams, and use whatever excuses we have to justify our actions with people who disagree with them. If you want to be a tiger, I can give you the head and limbs of one. If you want to be a queen, then we can pull some strings and you can make your own kingdom. You, young lady, do not bow down to anyone or follow anyone’s rules either than your own. All rules are written by dolls, after all, so who’s to tell us what’s right or wrong either than ourselves?”

Who gave you the right to play the Creator? I’m sure that if we all define our own rules then chaos will reign since everything can be evil or good depending on our personal definition. In fact, evil and good will be meaningless for the very same reason.

Ascolto intensely looks at me as if expecting some kind of response with the same kind of energy he gave so I tell him, “If that’s true, then I’ll find success on my own.” I shouldn’t have said ‘if that’s true’. He doesn’t seem to approve of that. “I want to experience the rest of this area of the factory has to offer before I make my decision of accepting your help.”

What I said doesn’t seem to please Ascolto as he gives me an unsettling smile before saying, “I understand. It’s actually a smart decision to take a look at what life has to offer before making a life defining choice, so I’ll let you go and eagerly await your return.”

“Oh, okay. Before I go, can you tell me how you were able to hear me despite not having any ears when you were just a torso?”

“That’s a secret you’ll learn only if you accept my offer. A secret that’s closed off to you for now.”

It’ll have to be closed forever since I’m not interested in joining. I leave the Golden Horse and make my way deeper into the market. Dolls continue to try to sell me doll pieces and to get to join their organization or cause while also arguing with each other to draw people to their side. For some reason, I feel like I’m being followed. I’m not sure if it’s the salespeople or the ones who are selling their self-professed ideologies, but I keep seeing the same faces pop up in the crowd so something is up. To make sure they aren’t coincidentally going in the same direction as I am, I make erratic turns, go down alleyways, and go through densely crowded areas to lose them. Still, I see their faces peering through the crowd.

“Follow me if you want to escape them,” I hear someone say before turning around to see a doll with a featureless face.

This featureless doll fades into the crowd and beckons me to follow them. Since this seems like my only option to escape my pursuers, I follow them until they lead me to a dead end. Is this part of their plan to save me or was it just another trap? My pursuers follow me into the dead end where the passersby don’t seem to care that I’m being cornered. I get a clearer look at my pursuers who are dolls with bug-like wings and faces. Soon, people from the crowd take them in and make them disappear. The same featureless doll comes out from the crowd and approaches me.

“You won’t have to worry about them following you anymore,” the doll says in a voice that sounds like a man’s and female’s just like Ascolto’s except distorted.

“Who are you?” I ask them.

“I am nothing. We are nothing.”

“Why did you help me?”

“Because Ascolto was going putting you in danger with his own minions so that you would run to him for help. Let me guess, you already found him or one of his friends as a torso or in cut up pieces?”

“Yes, I have.”

“Figures. You should either join the Nothing or leave this area of the factory.”

“What are the Nothing?”

“We are. All dolls are nothing to be more general, but we are the Nothing to be specific. We remind everyone that everything is meaningless until we give it meaning. Ascolto tries to convince everyone he meets that we make our own meaning and value, but this isn’t true. Everyone is equal and no greater than the other because we are all nothing and all our actions will be all for nothing. One day, this factory will collapse on and kill us all.”

So, you’re another group like Ascolto’s except depressing.

“I’ll be leaving this area of the factory then.”

“You won’t join us?”

“No, because it won’t be worth it in the end, right?”

“You’re right, but it’s a good way to pass the time. I won’t keep waste your time any longer. Do as you wish.”

The doll disappears back into the crowd. Well, this didn’t feel like it was worth it. As I make my way out of this area of the factory, I don’t see anything new or worth checking out. All I’ve learned is that there are people who view themselves too highly and others who don’t value themselves at all. Both are prideful of their so-called truths and both think themselves better than the other despite their way of thinking not mattering according to their own ideals. We are indeed free to decide our beliefs but we do not have the right to decide what is true and what isn’t based on our ideas and nothing is meaningless. I find the nearest gears so they can take me out of here. At this point, nothing can be worse than this.

How to Build Yourself: Prologue – Looking for the Instruction Manuel

Prologue – Looking for the Instruction Manuel

Who am I? I know for sure that my name is Renata, that my family and friends love me, and that I’m good at designing and making tools for dolls like myself, but what is my true purpose in life beyond this? What is the meaning in every action I make? What is the end goal? What is the purpose of it all if someone is going to take my place after I am gone?

When I asked my parents about it, they told me about the Doll Factory Creator and the instructions he gave for all dolls to follow. My parents say they follow the rules, but I don’t even have the legs that the doll manual says that I was meant to have. Very few follow the rules and even fewer know what the rules exactly are or even care what they are. I’m designed just like all the other young dolls with an arm made of gears to keep the machines in the factory moving and a strong metal arm to carry heavy objects and cut materials. I guess I don’t need legs because I can walk on my two arms like the others, but I can also climb walls and ceilings since my arm can cut into the wall and my gears are as sharp as a saw blade that can also cut into things. Many gears run throughout the factory that I can put my gear arm into for easy transport.

These tools don’t feel natural to me although I need these every day. I look to my parents for inspiration for what I should do and find little direction that feels satisfying. My father is an innovator and toolmaker. He’s always looking forward to the good future that his tools could create and how easier our lives can be with them. I look up to him for his work ethic, but I wish he would be home more and wouldn’t work himself to sickness every now and then.

My mother, on the other hand, sees goodness, truth, and purpose in everything. It’s why she put so many eyes on her face, so she can see it all. She’s content in making dresses, tuxedos, and other fancy clothes for dolls. People say that I have her hair and her capacity to see good in everything while they also say that I have my father’s eyes, smile, and forward thinking attitude. I’m going to combine these attitudes to search the factory for my true purpose and I’m going to look for it everywhere I can. After getting my parent’s permission to take off for a week, I begin my search. Starting with my hometown, I see many in this town built within this factory who are content with doing the same things daily and carrying the same general traditions as their parents.

I put my gear arm into the gears above and ride the path to get to a vantage point near a window that will give me a view of the entire area. These windows are a curious thing. It’s either too bright or dark outside to see. The windows can’t be broken and there’s no record of a door that leads outside. This leads many to believe that the outside world where the Doll Creator is said to go is nonexistent or unreachable by normal means. Nobody has seen the Creator and the only hint of his appearance is our own since it is said that we are made in his image and his love. How can a Creator love his creation if he’s seemingly never around? His existence could be self-evident because of the factory’s creation, how it works, and everything in it or it could be explained by so-called natural phenomena though I’m not sure how that could be possible given that nature follows rules like how a child implies the existence of their parent, so I believe in his existence.

Though I may have to speak to people who don’t believe, I will find the truth behind the factory and myself. I take one last look at my home, the churches, schools, the bustling marketplace where people buy doll parts to fit their lifestyle more than food and water, and the traffic of dolls that live the lives they choose to accept. For now, the life of looking for my purpose is the one I choose to walk. Maybe I’m wasting my time and I’m just meant to be what my parents say, but I know there’s more. Even if I have to change my entire lifestyle, everything I believe, and the way I look, I will find the answers to how I should live.

My latest gross out horror short story is out today!

Download for free on Smashwords - https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1105682

In a world where food, water, and a good living are hard to come by, most struggle to even keep the skin on their bodies as is man's punishment for playing god. Siegfried is another fool among many who try to find happiness in a world by going from sin to sin while making as many excuses for his actions along the way as this story follows his life through this decrepit and sin-filled world.

Will he ever be truly happy in the flesh or is happiness something more than a feeling and way of life?