How to Build Yourself: Chapter 1 – Living as gods

Chapter 1 – Living as gods

The first place that I go to is one where the most doll parts are sold. Here, it is common for a person to be wearing one head one day and a completely different body the next. Many models show off the latest outfits and doll pieces and act as real life mannequins. There are also many who change their appearance to change their identity either due to their change or some wrong they’ve done. This can make this place really shady and dangerous in places since you won't exactly know if a doll is a criminal with a changed appearance.

One of the ways to tell that a doll changed their head is their voice, which will sound warped and their face will move strangely. Changing your head is expensive and I’m not just saying that from hearsay since I’m seeing the prices for them now in the market and they literally cost more than a new set of arms and legs.

“Have you run away from home, little lady?” a shopkeeper asks, “Are you looking to disappear and look for a new life?”

This shopkeeper doesn’t look trustworthy. They have many necks with heads on them. They’re more of a hydra if dolls could be one.

“No, thank you,” I answer before disappearing into the crowd.

Many of the shopkeepers here look weird and the possibility of me finding answers here begins to dim. I don’t like being in this congested crowd with many strange people so I go through a space between the shops to escape. In this space, I find a discarded torso. Dolls can’t live without torsos so this can’t be something that was sold on the market. Perhaps this is…maybe…a dead body? I poke the body and it surprisingly comes to life when touched.

“Woah! Are you okay?” I ask it.

The torso writhes around as its stubs for arms beat its chest until it opens and tries to get my attention to it. Inside is a letter that reads, “If you found me and this letter, then please bring me to the building with the golden horse on it. There I will reward you with whatever body pieces that you want”.

I could use some legs. Though my parents were eventually going to get me a pair at my request, they never thought it necessary. Wait.

“How can you hear what I say despite not having a head? Do you have ears somewhere else on your body?”

The torso bows forward as it points at the paper. Unfolding the paper further reveals more writing that says, “If you’re wondering how I can hear you despite not having ears, then that is a gift I can give you where you are taking me and more if you are interested”. More if I’m interested? Is this an elaborate setup to join a group? It probably is given the people that reside here, but I must know how they think so I can discover myself. A pair of legs would also be nice. It’s going to be difficult to take this person anywhere as I am, so I find a nearby piece of rope that was probably left there on purpose and tie them to my back. That was I can walk with my arms to the building with a golden horse on it.

This appears to be a restaurant that’s called literally the Golden Horse. People also trade and sell doll pieces here as they can come out looking completely different when exiting a room. I bring the torso to a greeter who thanks me for bringing him to her.

“He is always getting into trouble to bring new customers to us. What would you like as your reward for saving him?” she says.

“I’d like a pair of legs, please,” I answer.

“What kind would you like? Strong, durable ones to defend yourself with or ones that would attract the attention of a boy you like?”

“Just a pair of normal legs.”

“Ah, I see! Sometimes the simplest designs are the best. It goes well with your look. I’ll get a good pair of legs for you right away.”

The greeter brings me a pair of legs that already have a black pair of flat shoes. Walking around takes a bit to get used to and a fall on my face a bit before finally getting a grip on it.

“They fit you perfectly,” the greeter says.

“You think so?” I ask.

“Yes, I do.”

Before I know it, a large skinny man comes into the room. He dresses in a golden suit and pants that have flowery patterns in them. His face looks more feminine than masculine because of the makeup on it, which gives me an uneasy feeling.

“So, this is my savior. My name is Ascolto e là. What’s your name?” the man says in a voice that sounds feminine.

“Renata.”

“Thank you for saving me, Renata. You deserve more than a simple pair of legs for such a great deed.”

“What are you offering?”

“Besides, an entirely new body if you wish, I offer you a home here. You’re obviously not from around this area. I would know if you were.”

“Why a home?”

“I offer a home for all the brave souls who wish to make a name for themselves.”

“How do I make a name for myself?”

“By making it yourself through whatever means you deem necessary. We define success for ourselves, what limits we’ll go to achieve our dreams, and use whatever excuses we have to justify our actions with people who disagree with them. If you want to be a tiger, I can give you the head and limbs of one. If you want to be a queen, then we can pull some strings and you can make your own kingdom. You, young lady, do not bow down to anyone or follow anyone’s rules either than your own. All rules are written by dolls, after all, so who’s to tell us what’s right or wrong either than ourselves?”

Who gave you the right to play the Creator? I’m sure that if we all define our own rules then chaos will reign since everything can be evil or good depending on our personal definition. In fact, evil and good will be meaningless for the very same reason.

Ascolto intensely looks at me as if expecting some kind of response with the same kind of energy he gave so I tell him, “If that’s true, then I’ll find success on my own.” I shouldn’t have said ‘if that’s true’. He doesn’t seem to approve of that. “I want to experience the rest of this area of the factory has to offer before I make my decision of accepting your help.”

What I said doesn’t seem to please Ascolto as he gives me an unsettling smile before saying, “I understand. It’s actually a smart decision to take a look at what life has to offer before making a life defining choice, so I’ll let you go and eagerly await your return.”

“Oh, okay. Before I go, can you tell me how you were able to hear me despite not having any ears when you were just a torso?”

“That’s a secret you’ll learn only if you accept my offer. A secret that’s closed off to you for now.”

It’ll have to be closed forever since I’m not interested in joining. I leave the Golden Horse and make my way deeper into the market. Dolls continue to try to sell me doll pieces and to get to join their organization or cause while also arguing with each other to draw people to their side. For some reason, I feel like I’m being followed. I’m not sure if it’s the salespeople or the ones who are selling their self-professed ideologies, but I keep seeing the same faces pop up in the crowd so something is up. To make sure they aren’t coincidentally going in the same direction as I am, I make erratic turns, go down alleyways, and go through densely crowded areas to lose them. Still, I see their faces peering through the crowd.

“Follow me if you want to escape them,” I hear someone say before turning around to see a doll with a featureless face.

This featureless doll fades into the crowd and beckons me to follow them. Since this seems like my only option to escape my pursuers, I follow them until they lead me to a dead end. Is this part of their plan to save me or was it just another trap? My pursuers follow me into the dead end where the passersby don’t seem to care that I’m being cornered. I get a clearer look at my pursuers who are dolls with bug-like wings and faces. Soon, people from the crowd take them in and make them disappear. The same featureless doll comes out from the crowd and approaches me.

“You won’t have to worry about them following you anymore,” the doll says in a voice that sounds like a man’s and female’s just like Ascolto’s except distorted.

“Who are you?” I ask them.

“I am nothing. We are nothing.”

“Why did you help me?”

“Because Ascolto was going putting you in danger with his own minions so that you would run to him for help. Let me guess, you already found him or one of his friends as a torso or in cut up pieces?”

“Yes, I have.”

“Figures. You should either join the Nothing or leave this area of the factory.”

“What are the Nothing?”

“We are. All dolls are nothing to be more general, but we are the Nothing to be specific. We remind everyone that everything is meaningless until we give it meaning. Ascolto tries to convince everyone he meets that we make our own meaning and value, but this isn’t true. Everyone is equal and no greater than the other because we are all nothing and all our actions will be all for nothing. One day, this factory will collapse on and kill us all.”

So, you’re another group like Ascolto’s except depressing.

“I’ll be leaving this area of the factory then.”

“You won’t join us?”

“No, because it won’t be worth it in the end, right?”

“You’re right, but it’s a good way to pass the time. I won’t keep waste your time any longer. Do as you wish.”

The doll disappears back into the crowd. Well, this didn’t feel like it was worth it. As I make my way out of this area of the factory, I don’t see anything new or worth checking out. All I’ve learned is that there are people who view themselves too highly and others who don’t value themselves at all. Both are prideful of their so-called truths and both think themselves better than the other despite their way of thinking not mattering according to their own ideals. We are indeed free to decide our beliefs but we do not have the right to decide what is true and what isn’t based on our ideas and nothing is meaningless. I find the nearest gears so they can take me out of here. At this point, nothing can be worse than this.