Chapter
3 – Lighting a Fire of Inspiration
For the next few days, I do nothing
but help around the floating city with Gerardus, Fr. Titus, and Lucy, which is
nothing but a bore with the only relief being sparing with Gerardus when I help
him make and clean weapons. The only reason why I do what I’m told is because
the damned whale keeps showing its shadow under the water whenever I look over
the side of the city into the ocean when I think about leaving. During this
time, I start to gain the trust of the fishmen who start to act friendly toward
me and even start wishing me a good morning on the third day. On the fourth
day, my nerves about dealing with this cycle start to calm down as I realize I
don’t mind helping Lucy fish for food in the ocean or learning about the
systems of the floating city. I find it particularly interesting how it has a
water purifier on it to make the salty ocean water drinkable and the sights of
the large inoperable canons on the sides of the ships and inside of them are a
marvel to look at.
While eating dinner with Gerardus,
Lucy, and Fr. Titus, I notice the gnawing vices that I usually deal with are
eerily silent. Being around these people almost feels like being with family
and friends, especially since I sometimes hear my father’s voice in Fr. Titus,
which is probably a result of God allowing him to do so. It’s also then that I
remember I have to avenge his death and that I’ve been doing God’s will
non-stop. I fell into the divine’s hands without realizing it and start to
wonder when it happened. My guess is when God allowed me to kill. That
particular moment when our interests aligned was when he turned my need to kill
into an instrument of his will and started to dig deeper into my heart and soul
and started to change me more, bit by bit without me knowing.
There was a time hardly even a week
ago that I would consider living like this Hell on Earth because I haven’t had
any sex in a while nor have I killed anyone for my glory and treasure, and now,
I feel as if I’m someone completely different. I don’t know why I don’t hate
the idea with every fiber of my being or why I allowed it to happen without
much resistance. My mind doesn’t stop thinking about past events and how God
could’ve taken over more of my being until Fr. Titus invites me to an hour of
adoration on the fifth day and I accept without really thinking about if I want
to or not. Gathering with him and a group of Catholics that involves Gerardus
and Lucy, I sit in the silence of a church in front of the monstrance that’s
been the cause of so much of my recent suffering and sudden changes. The God in
front of me has done the worst and most unimaginable thing to me, which was to
change me and fiddle with my heart’s desires to suit his needs.
Looking at the monstrance puts me
in a trance that feels like being in the loving arms of my father or mother and
the hour passes by as if it were a mere minute, after which Fr. Titus asks if I
want to be baptized. I hear not only the voice of God but also of my father
coming from Fr. Titus. Additionally, I see the face of Christ transparently
overlapping Titus’. I rub my face and shake my head as if waking myself up from
my tiredness.
“Leave me alone. I don’t even know
why I agreed to be here,” I say while walking away.
Getting up, taking the monstrance
with me, and walking out of the church, I sit by the edge of the floating city
and let my feet hang over the edge. Part of me hopes that the whale comes up
and kills me or whatever me is. I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore. I’ve
always thought of myself as completely loyal to my parents, never seriously
questioned them, or rebelled against their authority, but now, I’m not sure if
I should do as they want. Despite not having any solid proof, my inner senses
know that I’ve heard them speak to me. They want me to convert and do God’s
will so I can join them in Heaven.
Can I really do this? God has
remade me in small ways over time in what feels like no time at all. I don’t
have as strong a craving for sex and violence anymore so much so that I can
truly put my mind towards considering conversation, a thought that disgusted me
not too long ago. A part of me doesn’t want to let go of this peace that exists
within me and craves it more than the vices I couldn’t get enough of. I look at
the monstrance and can almost see the face of Christ in the white host that
feels as if it is sucking me in. What is it about God that has changed me so
much? Maybe I can trust him. Maybe…
The alarms suddenly ring out in the
city and Gerardus runs to me to bring me to where the defenders of the city are
gathering. He tells me that our nearby allies have come here to inform us of an
incoming attack from the allies of the bandits and pirates we killed almost a
week ago. Captains and leaders of the guards and soldiers emphasize defending
the city and keeping the attackers out by sticking close to it. Hearing the
cowardly tactics of the fishmen angers me and makes me push through the crowd
so everyone can hear me from the center.
“Why do you talk about defense and
cowering within the city when the innocent inhabit it and will be caught amid
the battle? On land, we have entire armies defending the walls of cities who
laid down their lives for the people behind them, so why don’t we do the same?
If our enemies want everyone here dead or forced into their service, then I say
they’ll have to fight tooth and nail to do so,” I say.
“Leif is right,” Gerardus says.
“He’s a savage, but savage tactics are what we need right now to protect the
civilians and those who can’t defend themselves. Like he said, they’ll have to
kill us if they want to get to the people we protect.”
Lucy adds, “He was a really weird
guy at first, but he’s been really helpful these past days and shows that he
cares for the people here. Let’s not forget that he didn’t complain about
fighting these same bandits and pirates for us the day that he got here.”
“It was also because of him that
we’re in this mess,” one of the captains says.
“He followed God’s commands and
it’s our fault that we have a mess to begin with,” Fr. Titus says as he joins
the crowd. “If we’d only been more proactive about keeping the Atlantic safe,
then we wouldn’t have to worry about criminals and traitors causing trouble in
it. God has a divine purpose for Leif that I doubted at first, but now I see it
clearly, thanks to how far Leif has come since we first met. I say that we
trust him and do as he says. He knows the ways of war and conflict better than
anyone here, after all.”
Because of the support I receive
from Lucy, Gerardus, and Fr. Titus, the leaders of the soldiers and guards hear
my plan. I tell them to have most of the forces outside of the city while some
of the elite and a sizable portion stay close to it. The floating city has no
walls to speak of so when the enemy gets to it there’s no stopping them from
entering it so we might as well have a majority of our forces defending it from
the outside. The leaders agree to this plan and the troops are sent out with me
being among those in the frontlines. To back us up, the fishmen have summoned
as many huge fish as possible to act as a backup army that’s honestly twice as
big as our army.
With a secondary force under the
water and messengers getting help, we have the odds in our favor. I eagerly
await the enemy and am excited to see them approaching. Once they get closer, I
see that the force on the surface of the water is about the same as ours. From
below, one of my allies emerges and reports of a larger force in the water, as
was to be expected. Since this is the only enemy force in range, I leave a
small detachment behind just in case there’s another one on the way while I focus
many of our forces on the threat that we see. It takes some getting used to,
but I’m able to get used to fighting on the back of a fish while Gerardus
guides it. In some sense, it’s like fighting on horseback if the horse keeps jumping
up and down.
We’ve won this first engagement,
and sure enough, the enemies’ backup arrives, but since they’re too late to aid
their allies, they’re not much trouble for us to deal with. I am then told that
we are going to be attacked from all sides soon and that our allies are on the
way. Well, I can’t say that I expected the battle to go smoothly and without
trouble. God, if you truly want me to see your Pope, then please get me through
this and save these fishmen who call themselves your faithful. Lend me your
power for our mutual goal. Before I can rearrange the troops to properly defend
each part of the floating city, I see the enemy in the distance.
Even as they get closer along with
the fish they have under their control, I see no end to their number. Our
allies better get here soon or we’ll need a miracle to survive this. The troops
around me who seemed so confident and brave not too long ago are now scared and
looking back home as if saying they want to go home.
“If you feared that you might die
in battle one day, then you shouldn’t have become a guard or a soldier in the
first place! If you retreat, I’ll cut you down myself. Where’s your courage,
faithful of Christ?” I say and hold up the monstrance. “Charge and fight with viciousness
and bravery for your God and all whom that you love!”
The guards and soldiers cheer
before we charge ahead and clash with the enemy's forces. What ensues is chaos
with the bodies of people and fish flying everywhere in and out of the water
and falling on allies and enemies alike. I try my best to kill as many in the
melee as possible until a monstrous shark knocks me off the fish I was on and
drags me into the depths of the ocean with my weapons in its mouth. In this frantic
situation, I let it have my weapons, plunging them down its throat, and then
splitting it in half from the inside. Now that I’m underwater, I see that the carnage
down here is greater than on the surface with dozens of bodies slowly floating
down into the dark depths of the ocean like snow falling in the winter. Above
me, I see Gerardus diving down with his arm stretched out to me, so I try to
meet him halfway, however, he gets caught in a fight with the enemy and I’m
dragged further down into the depths by the enemy’s controlled fish, both of
which I don’t waste any time killing as I rip their jaws open and shove one into
the mouth of the other.
It's then that I think I should’ve
conserved my strength since I’m so deep in the ocean that the light of a
surface is so distant that it seems like no matter how much I swim up, I get no
closer to it. The coldness of the water doesn’t help either as it saps my strength.
As I begin to run out of breath, I lose control of myself and stop swimming up,
slowly begin falling, and start losing consciousness. While staring into the seemingly
endless darkness of the ocean’s depths, I see the same annoying whale that’s
been bothering me swim up from it. It opens its mouth and swallows me whole.
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