Chapter
2 – The Self that I Define
God help me, God help me, God help
me!
I can only help myself. I have all
the help I need within the powers I possess, and with it, I’ll be who I want to
and live how I’ve always wanted.
Who am I to define myself when I’ve
done so badly at doing it? Everything that has happened to me has been my fault.
It’s all been me, the true me, who
I define. I am who I am. Do I not have the right to say who I am, own my
thoughts, actions, and beliefs?
That’s God’s role.
The God I worship permits me to do
whatever I want and justifies my every action and thought. It’s all been in
line with the God that Nexum worships.
Then maybe I’ve been worshipping
the wrong god. Perhaps I’ve been living wrong for my whole life, and this is my
wake-up call.
Really? Has God let me bury myself
five feet under and is only now making me realize my mistakes? That doesn’t
sound like a caring, loving God, does it? No. It doesn’t make sense to me at
all; therefore, I will continue on as I am and please.
Stop, stop! Let me think about this
for a second.
I don’t have time to think. Kane
and Idelle are after me, along with the rest of the Dominion. I have no help
but myself, so I either give myself up and die or fight and survive. What? Do
you think your change of heart will do anything? Do you think Kane and Idelle
will listen to you after what you did?
I don’t know. I need more time to
think.
Think then, while I get things
done. Well? I don’t have forever for a response! Don’t have anything to say?
Good. I was tired of that stupid voice of mine taking over. Getting off my
sorry ass, I head towards the Dominion office. From what I’ve gathered in my
scouting as I mimic one of the workers, Kane and Idelle aren’t here and are
searching for me.
Once I start the party, they’ll
come running to me, and then I’ll have my shot at killing them. Breaking my
disguise, I immediately start attacking people and destroying the office at the
same time. It feels good to let loose as I slaughter those who wronged me, my
country, and my beliefs. I cut through them with my tendrils and sharp hands,
smash them into the ground, throw them out of windows, and bust heads into
bits. Whatever damage is done to me quickly heals and hardly slows me down.
Backup soon arrives, and destroying them feels like having dessert after a
delicious dinner, and I’m still hungry for more.
More, more, more! I need more
violence! I need to destroy more. My wife and children prevented me from
indulging this desire that I’ve held down for too long. Our neighbors and
leaders wanted us to be the best country and people in the world, going against
others, and having influencers everywhere to exert and promote our beliefs.
When people went against us, we killed them or buried them in debt or made them
look bad in the eyes of the public, so they wouldn’t be taken seriously,
accepted, or hired by anyone. Our god empowers us against all our foes and
preaches our truth against the many truths of the world, and through it, we
will have our way.
Where’s Kane and Idelle?! The
cowards have yet to show themselves despite the damage and death I’ve been
causing. I loudly challenge them, and yet, they are nowhere to be seen. Maybe
they fear me. Maybe their masters have told them about me and were told to back
off. Whatever the case is, I’ll find them and their loved ones sooner or later.
In the meantime, I continue in my rampage…but…but…why am I stopping at the
sight of a dead family? The sight of a dead father shielding his dead wife and
children is stirring something within me. Oh no.
Are you satisfied now?
I was hoping that part of me was
gone forever.
It won’t be. I won’t allow it. I
indulged in my desires, and yet, there’s a part of me that wants more, but something
different than what I want.
I want more death, more destruction!
I want the death of my enemies and to hear the lamentations of their loved
ones. I want to exert my will over them and the world to change to it.
I’ve gotten that already. Am I satisfied
yet? Our leaders have tried to exert their will over the world. How did that
end for them? I’ll tell you. Failure. I have an ever-growing need to satiate my
desire, and giving it what it wants only makes me want more and more devious wants.
I not only want revenge against the Columbia Union and the Dominion, but to
make every citizen in this country and their supporters die or suffer greatly. I
tell myself I don’t want a family or a peaceful life, that I don’t feel guilty
about killing my own, and yet, the sight of a dead family is filling me with
grief and jealousy.
I want to die. Why can’t I kill
myself? No matter how much I cut at my neck and stab myself in the head and
chest, I can’t die. Life isn’t satisfying. It isn’t filled with happiness or joy. It is
suffering. It is pain. It is horror, and I want out of it.
It is more than that, and a voice within
tells me a truth that I’ve been ignoring my entire life because of the false
beliefs of the influencers and leaders of Nexum.
If I accept that. If I accept that I’ve
been living a lie my entire life and give up to law enforcement here, I’ll
either be locked up for life, die, or be forced into lifelong servitude to
them.
So what? I know that I deserve to
die, so I could do one right thing in my life. Yeah. I know it’s the
right thing to do. Heading out to the Coronamento facility in the suburbs, I
hope to lead law enforcement to the place that made me like this, in hopes of
exposing them, so that if anything, I’ll take down another villain along with
myself.
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