A Reconciliation of Hearts: Less than Nothing: Chapter 2 – Shared Suffering

Chapter 2 – Shared Suffering

Today's work goes by like usual. Many of the people thank me for taking away their pain and embracing it while others seem afraid. They heard rumors of my other ability to make them drop dead on sight, but don't mention it. I know by reading their hearts all of which are in pain. While working, I see others with healing abilities, medical knowledge, and spiritual and psychiatric knowledge helping in other ways that I cannot. This reminds me of Griffen, a good friend of mine and someone I was paired with by our old masters.

I would make a person die and feel a painful death usually burning alive, being eaten alive by insects, drowning, being beaten to death, and more, and he would bring them back to life just by breathing on them. Even though he's a friend, I'm unbelievably jealous of his ability. What's the use of even taking away the feeling of suffering when I can't remove the cause? It's said that a person's Heart Absolute ability grows over time and they get new extensions as they grow in virtue. Hopefully, that time for me is soon. I can feel something tugging on my heart that may be growing to get that new ability. Getting this new ability has been my main motive so my life can change and the Absolute's intention for my life made clearer. It's going to happen soon. It has to. The feeling grows slowly day after day and today, I may reach a milestone.

Suddenly, without even realizing it, I feel something else and everything around me changes. Everything around me is black and white except for the donut shop in front of me. A family excitingly tries and buys various donuts while a shady hooded person stands behind them before exploding soon after, killing the family.

“Your heart has grown to experience the memories from the point of view that the person you are connecting with,” the voice of the Absolute says.

It’s true. I can remember the smell of the donuts, how this person felt before and after the memory, and some context before then. What’s that? I hear someone’s voice. It’s a whisper. Who’s it? Wait, I recognize it. This is the voice of the person whose memory this belongs to. I can hear them remembering this memory as if I’m remembering it myself.

I saw that weird person in the back of the shop and could’ve done something, but I was too happy to see my visiting family and see their reactions to the work I’d done and decided to ignore them. What happened is all my fault. I’m the most worthless and idiotic son there is for what I’ve done. I didn’t deserve to survive the explosion, the attack from the conceited that happened soon after, being rescued, and whatever this man, Pasito, is doing to me.

“If you think you’re the worst, then I must be a vainglorious demon,” I say.

“How did you hear my thoughts?” the man asks.

“I felt the pain of your heart and it spoke to me and showed me what happened to you that’s been haunting you. You may find this hard to believe, but I had a normal life with a normal family before this, which that I left so I could go on a quest to find my purpose in life. You can see how much of a good decision that was just by looking at me.”

“I…what’s this feeling? Am I remembering and feeling what you felt?”

“Thanks to the Absolute you can, but don’t worry about it. The pain you’re feeling and what you’re going through is temporary. The people here will help you and you can start another shop. I know it won’t do what you want and bring your family back to life, but you know that they wouldn’t want to see you sad. You and I both know that they were happiest when they saw that you were happy in your shop, so don’t let them down, okay, Alex?”

How do I know his name now even though no one told me? Huh? He's crying and is telling me how much he appreciates my words of encouragement and relieving him of his pain. Everyone around us is staring. Without even thinking about it, I look at them and unintentionally take their pain and sorrows. Their hearts feel connected to mine and they all approach me. Time flies by as I look into the memories of everyone that wants their pain taken away and for a good amount of time, I don't mind the pain they give me and feel a strange sense of happiness while doing so. I both don't feel like myself and completely myself at the same time. Is this who the Absolute made me to be? Is this really my true self?

Despite how happy and fulfilled I'm feeling, I can't say that I like it all that much because of the pain, sadness, and also anger that I take from the people I connect with. Still...this undeniably feels right. My boss and the other people I work with congratulate me for my efforts after work.

“I'm glad to see an actual smile on your face,” my boss says.

Oh, yes. Didn't even realize that I'm still smiling and the dry tears on my face. When did they get there? Unsure of what to do now, I visit my friend Griffen who should also be off of work now. Sure, enough I find him outside saying goodbye to everyone that he's helped. For some reason, his smile is wider today and I already know why.

“You heard, didn't you?” I ask.

“I did, and I'm glad,” Griffen says.

“I'm not so glad.”

“When does anything make you glad? But seriously, you should be glad that your ability has evolved.”

“Should I really be? I can feel people's sadness, anger, and pain even deeper now.”

“But the people you help are even happier and can move past the past now. Doesn't that make it worth it?”

“I want to say that it does, but don’t feel like I believe it.”

“You will. Just give it time.”

“That’s easy for you to say.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean it’s easier for you to deal with difficulties than I. You are more liked, better looking, and have an ability that has more use than mine.”

“That doesn’t mean that you don’t have your own positives. People aren’t always glad when I bring them back to life especially when their grievous wounds must be healed before they die again.”

“You still have it easier than I do.”

“Really? In what department?”

“In every department. Do I need to remind you?”

“No, you should remind yourself. Look into my memories with that new ability of yours. Feel the pain of the cross that I deal with every day.”

He doesn’t know that I feel it every day with him because out of everyone I know, I take his pain without asking and directly seeing him. It’s an ability I keep secret since it’s not all that useful. Besides, it’s already well known that the people who are able to read and feel the hearts of others can do so from vast distances. For example, close friends and family can do this and are able to feel the joys and pains of their loved ones even if they don’t know how to tap into it. Honestly, it’s mundane and something everyone can do if they try assuming they have a pure heart.

Regardless of this, I do as Griffen says. In his memories, I feel his horror when he brought back someone with grievous injuries who kept dying no matter how many times they were brought back. From his perspective, I see our time together with the people who took advantage of our abilities and how the torture we were forced to do sickened him. Even now, he wants to help people feel better and...is jealous of me in that regard?

“Why? There's nothing to be jealous of,” I ask.

“I'm not jealous. It just feels that way,” he admits. That seems to be true. “Keep digging. You won't find that I've had it easier than you. I've had to come to terms with the fact that some people don't want to be brought back to life and the troubles of convincing them to keep going, which is much easier for you. Everyone has their own crosses to deal with and no one lives a perfect life nor one free of things they complain about. You should know this by now.”

“I do and don't, I guess. I'm an idiot. What else can I say? You should know this too.”

“Come on, stop being like this. Hey, where are you going?”

“Going to rest for a bit. Work was more tiring than usual. I'll see you tomorrow.”

To be honest, I hate it when Griffen is like this. His positivity is something I pray for and-

“I can still feel the thoughts of your heart.”

Dang it.

“You don't actually want to rest. You just don't want to hear the truth.”

“I do and don't, and there's nothing you can do to help.” I don't need to listen to Griffen's heart to know how much my words have hurt him. His face says it all. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so harsh.”

“Forget it. I'll leave it in the Absolute's hands. I know there's nothing I can do other than my prayers and whatever else the Absolute has given me to help you. That's just how things are, right?”

“I'm sorry!”

“I know you are and I forgive you. You're basically my brother, Pasito. It'll take more than that to make me hate you or want to distance myself from you.”

There it is.

“What?”

“Nothing. That wasn't me, I think.”

Or was it? Was that the real me? Could it have been the voice of the Absolute? Did I get an answer to one of the questions that I was searching for? It felt like it was in the form of a reminder of something important I forgot.

“Well, whatever it was, it seems like you're making progress.”

“At a snail's pace.”

“Regardless, I'm happy for you.”

“Yeah. I'm really going to go now. Today has exhausted me to tears.”

Griffen looks at me in silence for a few seconds hearing the thoughts of my heart to see if I'm telling the whole truth.

“Okay. See you tomorrow.”

“See you.”

Again, there’s the feeling that I both love and hate. I think I might know what I’m meant to do and hate to think about it. It’s so obvious that only an idiot like me would overlook or ignore it. Part of me wants to embrace it while the other wants to forget it. My role seems to be embracing the pain, sadness, and anger of everyone that I come across no matter who they are. It seems more like a punishment than a nightmare.

Have I said this before? Have I even mentioned the anger that I take from others to relieve them of their suffering? Thanks to my new ability, I feel the pain of the people I help more sharply and can feel the differences in the type of pain. Bitterness, depression, madness, willful ignorance…and then there’s envy, an emotion I know too well. The emotion of envy hits me more than the others and is second only to bitterness because I know these emotions too well. Despite feeling these harsh emotions and everything in between, I still feel like I want to help.

This feeling is like a rope around my neck pulling me forward as if I were a horse and I hate it. Have I said something similar before? I think about it, rethink it, and rethink about it things like this again and again, but this time is different. I don’t really mean that I hate it even though part of me wants to as it is wanting to contradict me at every turn. This feeling to help is even stronger now and care less about suffering for the sake of others now. Have I gone crazy? Is this really my life’s purpose? The answers to both are obvious, and I’m afraid that I must embrace them. What better choice is there?