Chapter 1 – Painful Charity
“Keep going,” I hear from the voice
of true hearts, “Your efforts are not in vain, and a treasure worth more than
the value of kingdoms.”
There it is again. What people call
the voice of the Absolute. The voice comes inconsistently and at different
times. It doesn’t matter if it’s after I sin or do many acts of charity. The Absolute
talks when He wishes to tell me something that in theory should be useful to me
to hear, but I can never discern His meaning. He is worshipped by many in the
land, and yet, I don’t care much to hear from Him. Maybe it’s because He gave
me the ability to embrace the suffering of others and instantly kill someone
while making them feel the death of my choosing just by looking at them. It
could also be because my heart is still wounded by my many sins as my confessor says.
Currently, I am paying for my sins
because I sided with the wrong side of a conflict and am helping others mostly
by using my ability to relieve people of their pain. Others call my ability
amazing and call me a real miracle worker. I, on the other hand, call it a
curse. I wish I could do basic jobs like cleaning, farming, and the like so I wouldn’t
have to do what I am. I am given only one mechanical arm for my mundane tasks
that only works when my heart isn’t corrupted by conceit. I’m surprisingly fine
with it mostly because the arm gives me extra strength to make heavy objects easy
to carry and I only need one arm to help me eat and drink. Besides, most of my
job just needs me to use my eyes. The kingdom I’m doing penance for would
probably feed me if I did what I was told.
Speaking about them, they’re making
me help a city that was enslaved by the side that I worked for. I guess I shouldn’t
say worked for. Rather, I should say that they forced me to work for them
because they saw the value in my ability. Perhaps I should also say that they
preyed on my past situation when I was searching for a use for my ability. They’re
nicer than I expected them to be especially after what I’ve done though I guess
my overthrowing the leaders I served had a hand in my current treatment. What surprises
me the most is that they didn’t put me on the front lines of the war against
their enemies. Sure, I can’t make an entire army drop dead in an instant, but I
can thin them out fairly easily. What they told me is that they don’t want to
employ the same tactics as the tyrants I served and that my Heart Absolute
ability is to relieve suffering while my ability to instantly kill and make the
person I look at feel as if they were dying a certain way is something else not
really meant to be used.
I guess I should be glad that the
people I serve want to give their enemies a fighting chance. Still, I wish I was
somewhere else. Where? I don’t know. I’m not even sure if I care or why I care
about where I am now. Even after all I’ve been through, I don’t know what my purpose
in life is despite the voice of the Absolute seemingly telling me every now and
then. What I hear is to be a healer, a friend, and a bearer of suffering, but I don’t
want this role. Who would? I’m sure some penitent monk or masochist would. Not me
though, and yet, this is the role given to me by the Absolute and His servants,
so maybe it is what my true self wants to do or whatever the faithful call it.
Regardless of what they say, I
still don’t want to do this, however, I can’t help it. What’s even worse is the
feeling that I get when I help others. Even though I embrace their pain, I feel
a weird sense of peace. Not happiness or satisfaction, peace. It’s a gnawing annoying
feeling that puts an unintentional smile on my face. If this is the Absolute
telling me I’m doing the right thing, I’d rather feel happy or satisfied, but I
am given a strange feeling of peace that is both satisfying and unsatisfying to
feel. I both hate it and feel like I can’t live without out. This feeling of
peace is otherworldly and when I tell my confessor about it, he says it’s the presence
of the Absolute that I feel within myself and I hate it because it’s incomplete.
My confessor says the feeling is
incomplete because I need to work on becoming more of myself and the Absolute
leaves these imperfections in our hearts so that we remember to always rely on
Him until death. As far as I can tell, this annoys my confessor as much as me
and makes me wish that I had a different ability and life since he's dealing
with it better than me. Have I been repeating myself? I don't know why I do.
Perhaps it's because I feel like if I do, I'll make some kind of progress in
fixing the problem, but nothing is getting done. In fact, I've been lying in my
bed staring at the ceiling for the past hour because I can't go back to sleep.
It's almost time to go to work, so I might as well wash my face, which I hate
doing not because the water stings the half of my face that's burned but
because I hate looking at my face.
When I look at my face, it takes me
a second or two to recognize it as mine and when I do, I look away in disgust
and wish I hadn't looked for so long. The face reflected in the mirror is one
feared by many and the cause of so much suffering and disappointment. I wish I
was different and not the stupid man I am. I wish could kill myself just by
looking at myself in the mirror but that doesn’t work. I wish I wasn't who I am
now and instead, another person who could do different things. I wish I was
worth more because right now, I'm worth less than nothing.
“Pasito?” I hear someone say as
they knock on the door, "Are you brooding in there again?”
“You know it. Isn't it too early to
be up?” I say.
“Yeah, but I know that you're up
brooding, so how about you use that energy for something that will actually get
rid of that sour mood of yours and help me with the new batch of refugees?”
“Sure, I'll be out in a second.”
It's not like I have a choice nor
do I care to rebel against my bosses. After washing my face, I open the door to
see the man who’s essentially my boss and who also acts like a friend.
“What?” I ask.
“Nothing. You look better today,”
my boss says.
“Thanks, I guess.”
Looking into my boss’s eyes, I use
my ability to relieve him of his worry and the stress he’s feeling. He’s been concerned
about the many refugees coming in, the ones we have, and the ones who have no
home.
“Thanks again for that,” he says.
“Don’t mention it.”
It’d be better if he didn’t worry
so much. For some reason, it concerns me when he does.
“I should get you something one day
for all the help you give.”
“No, thanks. I’m just doing my job.”
“Humble as always, Pasito. But
really, you deserve more.”
It’s not humility. I honestly don’t
want anything that he can give me. It won’t make anything in my life better.
“Can we go now?”
“Yes, of course. Off to work! Are
you ready?”
“It’s the same thing every day. Of
course I’m ready.”
“So, for your reward, I thought I’d
give you a week off to travel wherever you want to.”
“I don’t like traveling.”
“Oh, that’s right. You have simpler
tastes. You can do whatever you want for that week. Just don’t brood and stay
in your room all day.”
My boss then suggests to me several
things I can do with my time off and even asks what kind of gift I would want
in addition. I…appreciate his want to help me feel better, and there it is
again. The voice of the Absolute speaking through His faithful. I hear it in my
boss’s words and actions if that makes sense. This feeling keeps tugging at my
heart and pushing away my sour mood. When I don’t feel it, I want it, but also
want to hate it because it’s gone. Am I repeating myself again? Whatever the
case is, I have no better option than to see what the Absolute wants me to do
and the person He wants me to become. So, tell or show me what this person is
like. Show me myself.
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