Why do I still have him in my mind?
It’s been what? A little over a month since I last talked to him and he still
takes up a place in my mind. The last time I talked about him to my family and
friends they said to not worry about him and if he wanted to be with me, he
wouldn’t have stopped talking to me. Other guys have tried to be with me, but I’ve
turned them all down. I feel like I just want to let him go. It’s just that I
can’t. My heart can’t let go of its past feelings for him. My memories won’t
stop bringing him up.
“Admit it. You still lust over him.
When you get a boyfriend, you should take out all your frustrations on him,” a voice
says in my head.
No. That isn’t right. I’m not going
to listen to you. These stupid demons in my head won’t stop bothering me. They’ve
been a pain from the start of the week and have been infiltrating my dreams
with perverse and violent visions. Praying and talking to a priest usually help,
but not this time for whatever reason. I’d hate to think that I have that Human
Mirror condition or whatever it’s called.
“It’s okay to think the things you
do. Imagine if he comes back to you. Do you remember the day that you said goodbye
to him? Do you remember how he tried chasing after you as your parents drove
you away? Imagine putting that precious face of his into the dirt for what he
did. What a liar. Imagine him crying for forgiveness at your feet.”
Stop it, stop it! I don’t want to
think about that!
“But you do. You can feel the
pleasure rising inside of you. You can feel the hatred.”
How did pop-pop deal with his anger
issues? I look up to his mask that I have on the wall. My dad made it after
finding the design that pop-pop hid. Apparently, he used to be a vigilante of
some kind on top of being a boxer. Pop-pop was a hero who killed people with his
bare hands to subdue the anger in him or at least, that’s the story he told dad.
The only reason why pop-pop stopped being a hero was because he didn’t subdue
his anger. He only made it burn more and his first wife was brutally killed
while he was out.
“Why don’t you fight for yourself
like pop-pop did? There are people in school who get on your nerves. Fight
them. Your parents get on your nerves. They tore you from the love of your
life. They gave him a reason to stop talking to you.”
No, I won’t. Stop talking to me!
“Stop thinking about it then. Stop
letting the thought bother you.”
Going for a walk should help.
“Where are you going, Alexa?” my
dad asks before I go out.
“Oh, I’m just going for a walk.”
“Alright. Just be careful and bring
an umbrella. It looks like it’s going to rain.”
“Okay. I won’t be out long.”
It does look like it’s going to
rain outside. I have a bad feeling about it, but I don’t know why. Maybe it’s
just the weather. After I take an umbrella, I go out and walk to the park.
“Remember when he used to take you
to the park? Remember when he saved you from falling off a tree? Remember when
you called him a hero?”
Shut it. I don’t want to think about
it. That’s why I’m out here after all.
“Oh, but you do. Admit that you
still have feelings for him.”
Stop it.
“Admit it and I might.”
What’s going on? Am I walking in
circles in the park? Even when I cross the street, I’m still walking in the
park.
“You’re thinking in circles in your
mind. Admit it.”
Okay, fine. I admit that I still have
feelings for him, but that’s not going to fix anything.
“You’re going to find a fix soon
enough, trust me.”
Why would I trust anything that you
say?
“Because I know how you feel. I
know all your desires and passions. I
know all your sins and weakness. Do you see me?”
What are you?
“Can’t you see? I’m you.”
N-no! You aren’t! You can’t be!
“See? I can control your hand. Stop
hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself.”
Stop it!
“Why don’t you touch yourself now? You’ve
tried it before.”
Get away from me! I see you for who
you truly are. You’re a monster with four arms and three heads. One with a
mouth, one that has two faces, and one that looks like pop-pop’s mask.
“This is just nonna, pop-pop, and
you gave me. The perverted side is from her. You remember the way she dressed
for pop-pop in those old photos. It’s a good thing she still looked beautiful in
her old age.”
That doesn’t mean she was a pervert!
She was a great doctor and writer who helped hundreds of people!
“You don’t know as much as you think.
At least you’ll agree with me about pop-pop, right? His wife died because he
wanted to go out to kill people to pretend to be a hero and let out his stress.”
Shut up! He was a boxer who was an
inspiration for lots of people!
“Oh, they were such saints, weren’t
they? It’s a shame they died before you got to talk to them. If dad got to them
in their dying moments, they may have held on for a little longer.”
It’s not his fault. Besides, I talk
to them in my prayers.
“If you say so.”
Hey, where am I now? Ack. It’s starting
to rain.
“Oh, look at who’s laying over
there. It’s him.”
What? Isn’t that…it can’t be. Michael…It
can’t be him.
“He’s a little worse for wear but
it’s definitely him.”
Stop tricking me!
“This isn’t a trick. How could I
come up with an imagination of him in a torn black dress if that image of him never
entered into your mind?”
What happened to him? How did he even
get here?
“I don’t know, but you know how God
punishes people. He must’ve fallen into the sin of lust in a terrible way that
made him end up on the streets like this.”
I don’t even know what I should do.
“I know what you should do. You
should take him into the alley and have your way with him.”
No!
“Oh, you’re right. We should be
more civilized about this. Take him home and have your way with him when mom
and dad are at work.”
Shut up.
“Pleasure is too good for him. You should
inflict all the pain you want on him. He’ll understand. Just look at him. I’m
sure he feels pathetic already. He deserves it, doesn’t he?”
I’m not going to do that either.
“What? Are you actually going to bring
him to your house and be nice to him despite everything he’s done to you?”
Yes.
“Why?”
Because it’s like you’ve gotten me
to admit. I love him.
“If you say so, but don’t blame me
if he comes after you instead.”
Shut up.
“Don’t tell me that you want him to
do that.”
I’m not talking to you anymore…Good.
It’s finally quiet. Okay…here we go. I hope this is actually Michael and not a
figment of my imagination.
“Michael, is that you?”
“Uh. Yes, I’m Michael, but who are
you?” he asks.
He doesn’t remember me? Something
really bad must’ve happened to him.
“I’m Alexa. Remember? I moved here
a couple of months ago with my family. You…look like you’ve been through a lot.
Do you want to come over my house to get cleaned up?”
“Yeah. I’d like that.”
It’s him. It’s really him and I can’t
help but smile because of it. As we walk together back to my house, I can’t
help my feelings of gladness. I don’t feel mad at him anymore. I’m just glad
that he’s finally back with me. Don’t worry, Michael. I still love you no
matter what and I’ll help you out of whatever you’ve gotten into.
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