Chapter 2 – Sometimes Sinner, Sometimes Saint
I’ve just woken up and I already want to go back to the life I had. I smell, look like trash, and feel like trash. That dog that rested with me left while I was sleeping. That’s fine. I’m not able to take care of him anyway let alone myself. He took that elephant I had to. What am I going to do? Where am I going to find help? Maybe I could go to a nearby church? It’s the only thing I can think of right now.
There are people walking through the streets with me. Some of them give me a weird look, and I don’t blame them, but I wish they could help me in some way. I wish I wasn’t so alone.
“You’re not alone!” a squeaky voice says beside me.
“What?”
I look down to see the elephant I have before. He’s dragging himself across the ground with an endless trail of fluff behind him. I must be going crazy.
“No, you aren’t. You are quite sane.”
I am going crazy. This elephant can hear my thoughts.
“That doesn’t mean you’re crazy.”
Yes, it does. Why are you even following me?
“Because you’re alone and you need help.”
How are you going to help me?
“By being with you!”
That’s not going to help. I need someplace to stay, something to eat, and real people to be with.
“I’m real!”
Stay away from me.
“But I want to be with you.”
I said stay away!
I punt the elephant away from me. Now a lot of the people around me must think I’m crazy. The elephant was probably invisible to them. I put my head down and quickly hide. Where am I even going? I don’t know where anything is in this city.
“That was fun! Do it again!”
How did you get back here? Don’t answer that. I know you’re not real.
“Stop saying that! That’s mean!”
“Why can’t I get him?”
A little girl is complaining to her father as to why she can’t get the same I have that’s in the window. Trust me, kid. You don’t want him.
“Hey! You wanted me when you were younger. You still have me back in your room. When you wake up, you see me sitting on your night table.”
I don’t want to see you.
“What do you mean you don’t want to see me?”
“You held onto me when you were scared at night.”
I don’t do that anymore, mom.
“Don’t you want any help?”
I don’t need your help, dad.
“Is anything wrong?”
Nothing’s wrong, Lance.
“Do you need someone to talk to?”
No, Angel.
Just stay away from me! I push away everyone that’s crowding around me.
“We just want to know what’s wrong.”
“Are you crying?”
“Tell me what’s happening.”
“Are you okay?”
Get away from me! You don’t get to talk to me anymore! Not after what you did. I’m warning you!
I start breaking apart the shadows of the people I knew with my fists and kicks. I then rip them apart as I start getting more and angrier until I see the elephant.
“You can’t always rely on everyone to be consistent and good towards you, not even yourself. You have to forgive them if you want to be forgiven,” it says.
“Excuse me, do you need any help?”
“Shut up!”
I turn around and punch someone into the wall. When my vision clears…oh no…it’s that girl from before and she’s holding that elephant she wanted. She’s out cold.
“I…I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to…”
“Rebecca, where are you?”
The girl’s father turns into the alley to see me standing over his knocked out daughter. I don’t know what to say, so I back away slowly with my hands out.
“What are you and what did you do to my daughter?”
“I’m sorry!”
I run away into the dark alley, jump over the fence, and back into the streets where I scare everyone.
“What is that?”
“Is that a demon?”
“A monster?”
“No…I’m not…”
My presence alone shatters some people into pieces and burns others to ashes. I can’t go anywhere without causing someone pain. Everyone starts running away from me. Am I the reason why no one wanted to be around me? Am I evil? Do I do anything right?
“Why did you have to break that Michael?”
“I didn’t like it!”
Do I love anyone? Am I just a monster?
“What did I do to you?”
“What didn’t you do to me?”
Have I shown people that I love them? Do I just take advantage of them?
“Michael, what’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing! Leave me alone!”
I don’t know anymore. I don’t know if I deserve this or not. Wait. I think I do. I remember that woman who abducting me telling me how she found me. I was looking up porn on the internet and she managed to find me. Apparently, I caught her attention and then she hired the Doll Factory to abduct me. For a time, I was her plaything. Part of me resisted. The other part of me loved it especially because I kind of have a thing for older women, but that’s beside the point. It felt like I was getting what I deserved. I guess I got what I wanted. I got what I deserved.
“Excuse me, do you need help?”
Huh? It’s that little girl again. It looks like what happened was all just in my head. Again.
“Stay away from me. I don’t deserve help.”
“Of course you do. You’re a person just like me.”
“I’m worse than you think. Just look at me.”
“I don’t care what you look like. I want to help you.” The girl looks at her elephant. “Do you want my elephant?”
“What? I thought you really wanted that.”
“You look like you need it more. You’re starting to cry, so you must really need it then.”
“N-no. You can keep it.”
I leave the alley as the girl’s father calls to her. Maybe I don’t deserve this fate, but maybe I do. I’ve been such a horrible person to the people I’ve known that it would be better if they forgot about me or if I died in these streets. The pain I could cause them in the future is something I want to completely avoid. I don’t care anymore if they wronged me in any way, in fact, I wish I forgot about every single bad thing they did to me. I just hope they do the same.
The inspiration for this chapter title and one of my favorite Skillet songs is Sometimes.
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