Chapter 1 – Open the Floodgates
so that the Water, Blood, Semen, and Unmentionables be Free!
This story starts with the hero’s
head cut off and shown to the masses by a villain who’s outmatched him in one
area.
“Here it is,” says the villain, “The
head of Damien! The once great, invincible hero! O would I love to hear what he
would say about his defeat!”
“Tis but a scratch!” the severed
head says.
The villain outmatched him in one
area and only one area. He drops the now smiling head as it starts to sprout a
body.
“You must’ve not seen my encounters
with other villains. You can’t kill me. You can’t completely destroy me. You
can’t even give me a boner when you show me sexy women.”
A bit overpowered don’t ya think?
“Totally overpowered to the highest
degree!”
Thought so.
Damien takes off his newly formed
arm and tosses it at the villain like a boomerang and decapitates him. He then
catches his arm and puts it where it belongs as if nothing happened.
“I know the real boss is here! Come
out and face me!”
A fleet of heavily armored zeppelins
quickly approach from the horizon with heavy artillery.
“Well that’s convenient.”
Damien makes a fighting stance and
widens his smile.
“This is going to be fun.”
He points his finger at the fleet
and deletes all of them out of existence except for the flag ship, which he
leaps up to. He lands where the ship is being piloted and confronts the villain
that put all this together.
“Why?” the villain asks, “Why can’t
anyone kill you?!”
“It’s because of my powers. I can
survive anything and I’ll die when I want to but until then…”
Damien quickly runs through the
zeppelin, destroying its vital systems and engines.
“I’ll be killing villains like you.”
The crew of the ship panic and run
all over the place while others jump out of the crashing zeppelin without a
parachute and others just sit or stand in fear of their impending doom. Damien
grabs a seat next to the villain who is still sitting in the captain’s seat.
“You don’t want to leave?” asks
Damien.
“No. The captain goes down with his
ship.”
“How noble of you. So do you want to
tell me your sad backstory ten seconds before you die?”
“Um, ok. It all started when I was a
boy and my mother raped me almost every night-”
The ship crashes to the ground,
killing all the henchmen below it and almost everyone in the zeppelin except
for Damien who is still sitting next to the charred corpse of the villain.
“Interesting story bro. Needs more
work but you get an A from me.”
Damien carves an A on the corpse and
leaves the wreck while still on fire and metal protruding from his body.
“I wonder what I’ll have for dinner
tonight. Oh! Maybe I’ll skip dinner and have ice cream instead!”
Damien is a hero with an almost
unlimited variety of powers. Ranging from useful ones like complete body
regeneration and being able to shoot fire out of his hands, to useless ones like
being able to turn into a cup of water and-
“Being able to talk to the
narrator.”
Yeah that one.
“I can also write in the story too.”
Albert Oon is a fucking bitch faced,
cunt.
Hey!
“Hahahaha!”
Anyways Damien gets all the bitches
and is the best superhero ever!
Can you stop?
“Fine. I’m busy anyways.”
He makes it back to a nearby city and
demonstrates another one of his abilities to a couple homeless kids.
“Hey kids you want a superpower?”
The kids look at the freak in horror.
“I heard that dickhead! Oh excuse me
for my language. Now stay still.”
Damien puts his hands on the children
(pedo) and one is given the ability to materialize money and the other is given
the ability to switch their facial and body appearance automatically. The
children are amazed by their new abilities and thank Damien for his gift.
“Aw shucks guys you’re welcome.
Remember to not use them for evil or else…”
He turns into a nightmarish
combination of insects, demons, and deformed people.
“I’ll come for you.”
They go back to being scared and say
they won’t do anything bad.
Damien turns back to normal.
“Good!”
He then continues on his way back
home.
Damien got his powers from a
mysterious purple bolt of lightning that hit him while he was hiking on a
mountain and he’s been changing ever since. The power mutated from his first
set to give him all the abilities he has now even the one to give powers away
though the one to constantly get powers has faded away.
“Which sucks to a certain extent.”
He uses these powers to help others
and kick ass in his own masterful way that can’t compare to other heroes.
Well there’s nothing wrong with what
you wrote.
“I can write too ya know.”
Suddenly an explosion rocks the city
he’s in and a new villain with a crew of heavily armed henchmen and hostages in
a cage rises from the concrete.
“Damien! Lend me your abilities and
we’ll rule the universe together! Refuse and all these people wil-”
Damien snaps his fingers and the
villains and his henchmen die from explosive diarrhea. Unfortunately, the hostages
are crushed by the cage they’re in. A crowd of people yell at Damien, saying he
should’ve saved the hostages.
“Ok. How would I have done that? The
guy literally had his finger on the trigger if I did anything else but agree
with him. If I had eliminated them any other way, there would’ve been a bigger
fight and more casualties.”
The crowd goes quiet and Damien
continues on his way home feeling justified though I remember you having super
speed and other powers that you could’ve used to save those people.
“Oh shut the fuck up. I didn’t think
of that at the time. Besides, I’ve stopped caring about the few lives that are
sacrificed in favor of saving the majority.”
Hey I’m with you, I’m just saying
alright?
I’m also saying that I’m a bitch.
Hey!
“Hahahaha!”
Chapter 2 – More Villains, More Bloodshed, More Fun!
“What’s on the agenda for this
chapter mister author man?”
A group of twenty villains want to
fight you out in an open field far away from civilization.
“Good. I don’t need to worry about
civilians to bitch at me.”
Damien goes out to the area the
villains want him to and find a range of villains with various powers some of
them kids.
“Yeah yeah. Trying to make me feel
guilty about killing children which will lead to my defeat – no.”
As the fight starts, he kills the
kids first and uses their bodies as weapons. Don’t you have a power that lets
you turn people into weapons but still keep them alive?
“The way they fall to pieces when I
hit them against each other is both fun and a great strategy as it takes care
of two of them at once. Besides, I think I gave that power away outside of this
book.”
You did a lot of things I could
leave out of this book.
“You’ve killed the children,” one of
the villains say, “But you wouldn’t kill the unborn, would you?”
“I’m pretty such I’ve killed some of
girls already, which answers your question, so I’ll just answer it again with
the same…answer.”
Damien releases projectiles out of
his crotch which enter the female villains. They then explode from the inside
and give birth to alien-like abominations which help Damien kill the rest of
the villains. They then wither and die as their purpose has been served. With
nothing better to do, Damien make a little hill out of the dead bodies and puts
a sign up on top of their corpses which reads, ‘Another bunch of idiots who
fucked with the wrong guy’.
“Hey, it’s art.”
If you say so. You mind telling me
why you kept that one power and got rid of the others?
“Because you wrote it in that way.”
True.
“Are you going to have me do
anything else this chapter besides make the story more gory and edgy?”
Sure, why not. Our main hero goes
and decides for himself what to do.
“You serious?”
Yep.
“This is either an incredibly lazy
decision or one of your most interesting. Let’s go with it.”
After the lazy as fuck author gives
a more interesting person the writer role to his story, he walks back to down
then decides that’s a boring and tedious thing to do. I use my transformation
ability to transform (what else?) into a hot chick with skimpy clothes to
attract passing cars. The first truck that’s in sight immediately stops and
picks me up. The man in the truck says the he’ll drive me back to the city if I
give him sex in the nearby hotel and I get an idea as I agree to his proposal.
As we stop at the hotel and go into a room, a give him the ability to conjure
women who will do anything he wishes for. I transform back into my original
form to show him the truth about me, but he doesn’t care as he drowns himself
in pussy. This hotel isn’t too far from where I live so it’s no big deal to
walk the rest of the way there though when I begin to leave the hotel, I smell
the all too familiar smell of blood.
You don’t have a nose.
I can still smell, jackass. Now that
smell of blood could just be someone on their period, but just to be safe, I
use my super hearing ability-
You don’t have ears.
Blow me. A -
You don’t have a dick either.
Find a way then (I used to have all
the things he said, but that’ll come up later [I read ahead]). Anyways, I can
hear the sounds of murder sweeping through the halls and follow the sounds to a
scene of absolute horror with the walls decorated with the skin of various
different human beings ranging in color and age. The culprits jump out the
window to escape and their latest victim dies of blood loss. I will take the
victims’ revenge so I chase after them and find their hideout. It’s a concrete
building in the middle of the forest. They appear to be smuggling kidnapped
people here for their fucked up shit and I’ve got to – OH SHIT! I look at my
wrist and use my ability to make a watch and see that the ice cream shop will
close soon! I gotta end this soon so I come up with the great idea to just
throw some of my offensive and defensive powers to the kidnapped victims.
Powers like turning to stone, invisibility, and melt things at will are
overrated anyways. Skipping all the bullshit from here to the ice cream shop, I
get there and order a chocolate and vanilla twist with rainbow sprinkles. The
unthinkable happens shortly after…some dumbass accidently walks into me and
knocks my ice cream to the ground ruining it.
“Hey, sorry man,” she says with a
muffled voice as my anger rises.
I get flashbacks of having my stuff
knocked to the floor by bullies and watching the same happen to people I cared
about. I’m going to ex-fucking-plode in seconds – wait. Some kid is offering me
the same ice cream that I lost. The parents explain that this kid knows the
same pain I know and is giving me his ice cream instead of wanting to eat it
himself. Good kid. I take the ice cream from him and give him and his parents
some of my powers as payment. All in all, this was a good day…end the chapter.
Chapter 3 – The Past Always Comes Back to Bite
That was pretty good Damien.
“That’s why I’m credited as
coauthor.”
Yes, and as a coauthor and the main
character you have lots of work that you need to do.
“Point me in the direction.”
There’s a cloning facility that is
attempting to clone people with Damien-like powers. It is located that is
hidden away from public view deep beneath the earth that Damien just happens to
find during a morning stroll.
“Hey,” he says as he transforms into
a black cat, “I’m a curious cat.”
In cat form, he sneaks around the
facility and sabotages the equipment the scientists are using. This kills
several of the test subjects and research data as well as powering down the
facility.
“If I wanted people to be like me,
then I’d give them my powers.”
After sabotaging the whole facility,
it starts to break down and destroy itself from the sudden loss of power. The
scientists quickly escape, but not before activating their most successful
project.
A woman with red hair and skimpy
latex super hero clothes steps out of her pod and yells, “Damien! I know you’re
here! Show yourself you coward!”
“Oh!” Damien says as he goes back to
normal and steps out of the shadows, “This one might need more effort to kill.”
“You killed my family and many others
in the name of the greater good! I will avenge their deaths by killing you!”
“Cool! A revenge fueled person.
They’re the most fun to kill!”
Damien and the woman’s powers clash
which brings down the facility on top of them. Despite this, they continue
their fight which forms a makeshift area for them to fight in underground.
“You’re pretty good,” Damien admits,
“What’s your name babe?”
“I don’t have a name anymore since
you killed the person that was once me!”
“I killed you before and you somehow
came back to life?”
“Yes! And you can’t kill me this ti-”
At the speed of light, Damien punches
the woman’s face off then proceeds to beat the rest of it into the dirt until
it is mush.
“That should kill you.”
Back on the surface, Damien decides
to go to the nearby park to relax a bit and enjoy the nice weather. He sits on
the bench for a few seconds before he hears the sound of rumbling.
“Huh? What the hell is-”
The woman from before comes out of
the ground full formed and punching Damien in half.
“You know if I still had balls and
the ability to feel physical pain then that’d hurt like a motherfucker.”
Damien quickly pulls himself
together.
“I mean that’s the way it was before
I got more powers and that was not fun growing your balls over and over again
when they get eviscerated.”
“You’re not surprised I’m still
alive?” the woman questions.
“I’ve faced a couple of people like
you so you have my admiration for being one of the rare ones. How about we
shake hands as a show of respect for each other’s power?”
The woman is hesitant to shake
Damien’s hand, especially with that eternal smile on his face, but she
eventually does. This is a trap however as Damien taps the woman’s hand with
his finger tip and she instantly explodes into nothing with her blood being the
only thing left of her.
“Gotcha bitch!”
With the job over and done, Damien
gets a few icicle pops at a nearby ice cream truck and chills on top of
building. There, the woman appears again and stands over him as he eats.
Damien notices her and asks, “Want an
icicle pop?”
“Does my reappearance really not
surprise you?”
“How many of powers did those
scientists replicate in you?”
“Enough of them.”
“Figures. So do you want an icicle
pop or not?”
“No! I want to fight you to the
death!”
“What’s the point? I’ll just
regenerate like you do if you even manage to ‘kill’ me.”
“I can kill you and I will!”
“Sure you can, but you have to think
fast!”
Damien quickly punches her in the
cunt which sends her into space.
He dusts off his hands then says,
“That should do it. Now do you want an icicle pop?”
Thanks man. After Damien and I enjoy
our frozen treats, he calls it a day after not noticing any crime or evildoing
in the surrounding area.
“Or at least crime that I bother to
pay attention to like small crimes.”
He goes home after picking up ice
cream for his house and sits down to enjoy TV until the woman-
“Hold on there. Hey babe, can I call
you babe? Albert won’t stop saying ‘the woman’. It’s really repetitive.”
“I don’t care what you call me!” says
Babe who has just fallen from the sky and into Damien’s house.
“What do you want now?”
“The same thing as before! Your
death.”
“Right…well this is getting tiresome
so I’ll do this.”
Damien blows knockout gas into Babe’s
face and she instantly falls down. When she awakens, she sees that she’s
chained in a coffin that’s made of materia ficta, the strongest material in the
universe. It isn’t exactly a difficult material for Damien to break, but he has
to pull his fist back to do it, something Babe is unable to do in the confined
space. The two are also on Mars.
“Ok Babe,” Damien says as he gets
ready to bury her alive, “If I can’t kill you and you’re not going to stop,
then there’s only one form of justice available to you…incarceration.”
“NO!” she screams in absolute fear,
“I don’t want it to end like this!”
“It’s going to have to. Oh, and
here’s a parting gift.”
He cuts his arm and turns it into
acid which slowly melts Babe. She
screams before he closes the coffin and buries her alive.
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