Sin or Humanity: Chapter 2 – The Life of a Sinner

Chapter 2 – The Life of a Sinner

I can see light. Did I really die? Huh? I feel like I’m lying down naked on something cold. My arms, legs, and neck are restrained! Where am I?! I look around me and see people standing around me.

“W-who are you people? Where am I?” I ask.

“That’s not important for you to know, Lilith,” I hear a voice say. I can’t tell if it’s a man or woman.

“Is this a hospital? Listen, Giovane is a gluttonous sinner. He-”

“We know what he did. No one else saw.”

“There were people in the park that had to see us! They-”

“No one else saw.”

Who are these people?

“What do you want with me?”

“You’re a new sinner like the rest of us so you should know the rules.”

“I know all about you.”

“Oh? Do you know about all of us that are in the government, the Church, and society?”

“N-no, I don’t.”

“Then listen closely. You can join us and indulge in sin to get whatever you want in life. You could also live life as a penitent sinner with the help of the Church, but I’m sure based on what we know about you, that you wouldn’t like that life. These are the only two options that you have.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Just so you know the rules and that you know which side you should join. Your life is going to get harder from here and we can help you get what you want. Your comfortable life with riches and a nice gentleman to spend it with. There are several suitors here who may or may not come to you.”

“You’re a bunch of perverts.”

“Sinners need to sin. Remember what I told you and with that, we’ll let you go but not before showing you what happens if you try to rival us like Giovane.”

“Uck!”

A buzzsaw comes out from the center of the table that cuts through my chest. It hurts more than the bite Giovane gave me, and yet, I don’t feel like I’m dying the way I did before.

“Gluttonous sinners like us are more durable than humans. The more sin you commit the more you’ll be able to endure pain such as this. After I activate the buzzsaw as a pseudo-anesthetic, you will wake up in your apartment with a generous check, letter, and eyepatch so you remember what happened and who you can turn to for help. Goodbye, Lilith.”

“H-hold on. Isn’t there an easier way to do this?”

“This is the easy way.”

“Wait!”

The buzzsaw activates and I scream until I pass out from the unending pain. Was that all real? Sure enough just as the person said, I find a five-hundred-dollar check, letter, and eyepatch next to my bed to remind me of everything they said along with what I had on me last night and some addresses to meet them at if I’m interested in joining. There’s no way I’m going to do that especially after what they did to me. I’m not even going to cash the check they gave me. They can go…ugh. It feels like there’s a fire in my head. Oh, that’s right. The sins of a gluttonous sinner manifest on them.

I have to see what I look like now. I can see through both my eyes. Does that mean that I don’t have a mouth in one of my eyes? Going into the bathroom, I find that my left eye has a mouth in it. I can see through it despite it. I check my teeth and find that I have a set of sharp triangular teeth on one side of my mouth. After checking that, I check my stomach to see if the buzzsaw left a scar and it appears that it didn’t. Dang it, a scar should be the least of my concerns.

What am I going to do now? This condition just made my whole life more complicated than it needed to be. Also, why am I so hungry? I guess it’s because it’s still early in the morning. What’s strange is that no matter how much I eat I can never feel satisfied. I have to eat way more than I usually do to get any kind of satisfaction. No, wait! It’s my condition! I’m not going to be a glutton and not going to get upset! I’m going to work and try to stick this out until I get used to it.

Huh? Taking a look at the time and day, it’s a day after my date with Giovane. I call work and find out that a “friend” told them that I was in an accident and wouldn’t be going to work that day. While heading to work, I get unfriendly stares from people and it doesn’t get better when I arrive at the coffee shop. For the next few days, fewer and fewer people show up because they see my eyepatch and the bandages around my neck. My boss then fires me the next day because my condition has made it harder to work the same way I used to, and I lash out because of the stress.

Now without a job and a condition that makes it hard to get one, I don’t know where to turn to.  I’ve been denying myself whatever seems sinful and I can hardly get any relaxation from life. TV shows, music, and games aren’t as entertaining. I can hardly get enough sleep. Eating my favorite dinner feels as satisfying as eating dry crackers. The only thing that does bring me any pleasure is sin and I know when I’ve sinned when part of my body feels like it’s changing. I don’t want to be a monster. I don’t want to lose my humanity, but I don’t want to live this kind of life.

There’s only one more option left for me, the Church. They’re the only people that can heal the effects of sin. It’s a wonder that they don’t have more power than they should, but I guess it has to do something with the gluttonous sinners that are in power. I haven’t been to a church in years so it’s awkward for me to go in one again. There are some people here like me with eyepatches either on one or both of their eyes. They wait in line at the confessionals, so I go in line to wait with them. Some confessions take a minute or two while others seem to take forever. Come on, I don’t have all day!

A girl behind me says, “Don’t give in to the sin of impatience. It’s only going to make things worse.”

“Oh, thank you. I haven’t been to confession in a while.”

She then hands me a pamphlet that lists various sins on them.

“You might need this then.”

“Thank you.”

Wow, I might as well give the priest this entire list since I committed most of these sins. When I go into the confessional, I tell the priest my sins in the way that it says to on the pamphlet and mention what happened to me yesterday since I feel like I have to tell someone. He then absolves me of my sins then tells me to meet him after confessions are done for my penance. I guess I have to stay then. Right now, I feel my condition getting better with the ache in my eye going away. After waiting, the priest comes to me in a pew and I see that he has an eyepatch like me. The shock must show on my face because he pats my shoulder before saying anything.

“Peace be to you,” he says.

“And, uh, to you too.”

“Surprised to see another sinner like you being a priest?”

“Yes, but I guess I shouldn’t be. They seem to be everywhere now that I’ve been turned into one.”

“You’ve always been a sinner. You’re now awakening to the manifestations of your sins.”

“Did the punishment have to be so severe? I can’t enjoy anything like I used to. My life is destroyed. Everything I planned is ruined. My job is gone and I’m on the edge of losing all the money I have.”

“The only way God can get into some hearts is to break them. You lacked Him in your life, so this is His way of getting in.”

“I guess I should feel grateful.”

“Don’t be so dismissive of this great act of grace and mercy. Use it to become a better person. If you need a job, there’s always work that the Church can hire you for.”

“I’ll take the job. It’s not like God is giving me any other opportunity.”

“Believe me when I say that I was like you before becoming a priest. If you need someone to talk to, I’ll be here. There are also the other volunteers if you think they understand you better.”

“Sure.”

The priest then tells me the place I’m working at and the duties I’ll be doing. He also gives me a choker with a cross on it. He says that it’s something that helps me keep away from sin while also hiding the bite scars on my neck. Even though it may show people that I’m a penitent sinner, I’ll wear it if it helps. Plus, it kind of looks cute. Today, I’m going to be working as a chef serving at the poor house not too dissimilar from my old job at the coffee house. It’s not too hard except for the cocky people I meet. I deal with them the same way I deal with the cocky people at the coffee shop, but this gets me pulled aside by one of the people I work with.

“Did I do something wrong?” I ask.

“You shouldn’t be snarky even to the people who are…difficult.”

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“Because it’s wrong. You can’t repay evil with evil.”

“It’s not evil. Correcting a person for their behavior is an act of charity, isn’t it?”

“The way you did it wasn’t charitable. You don’t know what those people might have been going through, so it’s important to be as gentle as possible especially when you’re reprimanding them.”

“Okay, I get it.”

From then on, I hold back my cocky remarks and try to walk back my responses when they slip out. Despite this, I’m still told to confess this. I just confessed yesterday, and I need to go back again. Since I have to go back for what I said, I guess I have to mention me looking at certain people with disgust and not so nice thoughts in my head about them. This goes on for two days until the priest tells me to do gardening work for the exact amount of pay as serving. I’m not making much as is. Maybe they’ll give me more if I sin less.

Gardening is easier to do even if it is exhausting. At least I’m not dealing with any aggravating people. After work, I find a letter in the mail without a sender address. I have a bad feeling I know who this is from. The letter simply says, “Are you happy with life?”. I’m fine the way I am though I’m not sure if they know exactly what I’m doing. It doesn’t help that just knowing about them makes me feel like someone is watching me all the time with the worst intentions. Nothing interesting happens for the next couple of days as I hold out for better pay. This whole “work is prayer and penance” thing helps me control myself a bit more, but it doesn’t help me feel any better. It's all hard work for little reward.

I go up to the confessor priest I talked to before and ask, “Excuse me, but do you think I could have a pay raise? I’m really struggling to get by and need help.”

“How much of an increase do you need?”

“I need it to make at least ten dollars an hour-”

“Ten an hour? I thought you live in an apartment.”

“I do, but I can’t just live off the bare necessities.”

“You’re doing penance and trying to live a simple and humble life. It’s a reward that’s invaluable.”

“Well, it doesn’t seem to be a life for me.”

“Take the value of yourself a peg down or two or it will ruin you. Pride is a terrible sin to fall into.”

“My value of myself is right where it needs to be.”

“Then you need some time off to reevaluate that. Take the weekend off and come back on Monday. You won’t be receiving your pay for today.”

“Fine.”

The other people I work with try talking to me, but I walk past them without listening to what they have to say. They’re no different than the priest. The penitent sinners may like me however they don’t understand me. I hardly talked to them when I worked with them and they did try to be friendly to their credit. I’m just not as “perfect” as they are, so we can’t relate to one another. This entire situation has me stressed out of my mind. I need to take off the edge somehow, but I can’t afford to buy anything too expensive.

I still have the check from before. I wonder if they’ll notice if I cash it. I wonder if it’s a sin to accept money from them. Hopefully not. With the check cashed, I go to a bar-restaurant for a few good drinks and big dinner that I deserve for all the hard work I did. That was great. I might’ve spent two-hundred and eighty dollars on dinner because of how much I needed to feel filled, but it was worth it. That couldn’t have been a sin if it stopped me from losing my mind.

Huh? Someone I haven’t seen before is on the floor of my apartment. It can’t be…I’ll follow from a distance to see what they do. He stops by my door and waits around just as I feared. It could just be him waiting around for a neighbor, but I’m not going to take a chance, so I turn around and hide around the corner to wait him out. This probably isn’t a good plan. I don’t know how patient this guy is and if someone else is-someone else is coming up the stairs!

To avoid them, I go up the stairs to see where they’re going to go and see another guy go to my floor and go near my room. That’s not good. Ah! I think they might’ve seen me looking at them. They looked this way and might’ve seen me. What am I going to do now? Okay, okay. Panicking is definitely not one of the things I’m supposed to do. Alright. The safest thing to do is to walk out of the apartment and come back in a couple hours. Okay? Okay-Ah! They turn the corner and pin me against the wall by grabbing my throat. They were so fast, and I didn’t hear them!

“How?!” I say out loud.

“Sin can give you many abilities if you just give in, and it seems like you have,” one of them says.

“I didn’t do anything.”

“You cashed the check. That was a smart move. It’s the first step, but of course, the second step is your call. Come to this place if you want to take it.”

“Hey, watch where you’re putting your hands!”

The guy puts an envelope in between my breasts.

“I can do whatever I want. Don’t take this personal. It’s just business and for appearances.”

“Do you really think you can do this in public?”

“If we got rid of the people who saw you in the park, what makes you think we won’t vacant this entire building?”

“Tch. You’re horrible.”

“I’m my own man, master of my own destiny, and you can be too if you join us. It’s all up to you.”

The man then let’s go of my neck and the two walk away. I take the envelope out of my breasts and open it in my room. There’s a check in it for a thousand dollars and a business card for a nearby club. It has the words, “Ask about the wine” written on the back of it. Is this some secret code or something to get into the exclusive part of the club? Hmm. I know this club. It’s not like a strip club or anything like that so maybe it’s fine to go to. I’m going to check it out tomorrow when it opens just to see what it’s about. Nothing more.

As I enter the club the next day, I see nothing but normal people here. I’m assuming that the sinners are in their secret room. Makes sense since they are usually separated from the public so that a fight doesn’t start between them.

I go up to the bartender and ask, “Hello, what kind of wine do you have?”

“We have the most exquisite kinds that I doubt you will find anywhere else. Would you like me to show you to our wine bar?”

“Yes, please.”

The bartender motions for another bartender to take his place as he leads me to a back room then to a guard who’s standing in front of a hallway near the offices. The bartender nods to him and he nods back as he goes back and the guard motions for me to follow him. I follow him into an office then to a secret hallway activated by a hidden button underneath a table. The hallway leads to a place where I see all the sinners are. They’re partying and having a good time with nothing sinful going on from what I can see.

“There she is!” I hear a familiar voice say. The man from yesterday approaches me as the guard goes back to where he was. “I’m glad you took the opportunity. Most people take a week or more to decide on whether or not they want to come.”

“I’m just here to check it out. That’s it.”

“I understand and I won’t pressure you to stay. Enjoy yourself as much as you want because this part of the club never really shuts down. Why don’t you come and sit with me and my friends? You don’t have to worry about talking to them. We appreciate the company of people like us.”

“I don’t know. I hardly know you.”

“We have drinks and food if you want. It’s all on me.”

“If you’re offering, I guess I’ll accept.”

I join the man and his friends at his table that seems like it’s big enough to fit everyone in this portion of the club. These people practically have a buffet of food and drinks on the table that everyone is picking from with servers coming in and out from the kitchen to replace the quickly emptying trays, alcohol, water, and soda. It all smells and looks very good, so I take some and begin to eat. Before I know it, I’ve already had two platefuls of food and I’m eating a third with some wine.

“Good, huh?” the man from before asks as he sits next to me.

“Yeah. I haven’t eaten this good in a while even though I did treat myself yesterday.”

“It’s better than Giovane’s food too I bet.”

“I don’t remember and I’d rather not.”

“I get it. I’d rather not remember eating people too.”

“What?”

“Oh, they didn’t tell you? Giovane mixed in the flesh and blood of the people he killed into his dishes so he could sin more. Oh! He also mixed in excrement in his dishes as well.”

“You’re going to make me lose my appetite. Why are you telling me this?”

“No reason. I’m just wondering why he chose to spare you when he’s maimed and killed every other victim of his.”

“Maybe to sin more.”

“Probably, but you won’t find anyone like him among us. We indulge in enough sin to keep us sane while not going overboard so we keep our good looking human appearance, you get me? There are even people here from the church that come to let loose every now and then.”

“Isn’t it a sin to do that? Doesn’t it make our condition worse?”

“Do I look like I have a fake shell on me? You can feel for yourself if you doubt me.”

“I’ll pass. You look normal to me.”

“That’s right because I know when to stop before going too far. We know our place and keep to ourselves. Can you really call that a sin?”

“I guess not. I don’t know.”

“What’s the matter?”

“I’ll have to lie in the confessional and the priest I know if I keep coming here.”

“What are you going to lie about? This isn’t sinful. If you think the church isn’t good for you, then stop going. Here, I was told to give you this check if you came along with another place I frequent. There’s a thousand and five hundred dollar check in here. That should be enough money to live off of until you make your decision. I’m not very good at convincing people and if you’re going to listen to anything that I have to say, then listen to your heart. It’ll tell you the right decision to make.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“Any time. Now, enough with this. Let’s get back to enjoying ourselves.”

For the rest of the day, I enjoy the company of sinners like me that seem to know what I’m going through and agree with the way I think. We eat, drink, and dance until late at night when I decide to go back home. Monday comes around after spending the weekend with the other sinners I decide to go to work and talk to the priest and tell him that I found a new job over the weekend that suits me.

“That’s great news, Lilith,” he says.

“Yes, it is.”

That was easier than I thought.

“Before you go, do you have something that you need to get off your mind? You seem like something is weighing you down. Do you need to go to confession?”

“N-no. I didn’t commit any sins over the weekend.”

This condition is killing me. My tongue feels like it’s growing. Am I lying to myself?

“I trust you, but I know how sinners like you can be, so how about you confess what’s ever on your mind, and if it isn’t a sin, it isn’t a sin. You’ll receive a blessing along with it so it’s not like you’re going to be wasting your time.”

“Okay, if you insist.”

I tell the priest some of the stuff that bothers me without mentioning what I did over the weekend. He blesses like always after confession, but now I feel that my tongue really starting to change, so I make sure that he doesn’t see it when I leave. This place ain’t right for me. I didn’t sin, or rather I didn’t do anything wrong. Is there a difference between sin, evil, and doing wrong in my mind anymore? It doesn’t feel like it.